******************************** At the prestigious university there was a clear hierarchy that outlined how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace.
It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when the student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.
"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"
"Well," mused the unperturbed youth, "first they saluted, then they inquired, 'How are you this morning, sir?' ******************************** Second Bid
This little not-for-profit organization is having problems with the air
conditioning in its small computer room, reports a technician working there.
"It was routinely getting into the low 80's," he says. "We thought the air
conditioning for the room should be plenty for the space, but we had added
a number of additional systems."
So the organization brings in a vendor to see what beefing up the cooling
system will cost. The quote is in the neighborhood of $25,000 -- a
way-too-pricey neighborhood for this outfit.
"At non-profits, money is never in abundance and we knew we wouldn't be
able to scrape up anywhere close to $25,000," says the technician.
"However, our board required us to get three quotes for any expense close
to that. So we brought in a competing vendor."
The second air-conditioning guy walks into the computer room and looks
around for a minute. Then he picks up a spare cardboard box off the floor
and tapes it over the thermostat. "No charge," he says.
It turns out the air-conditioning vent was blowing directly onto the
thermostat. So as soon as it would turn on, the thermostat would register
the temperature change and shut the air conditioner off.
The technician reported, "We did end up spending $100 or so to replace the
cardboard box with something nicer -- and to buy dinner for the second vendor." ********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro, the pride of its breed. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffer for all and sundry. Every Saturday she would drive Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.
All went well until Bank Holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that is became evident that there was no earthly place to park.
"Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lucy. "You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around the block until you come out."
Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping quickly, then rushing back to the curbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?
Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.
"Excuse me, Officer," said she, Have you seen a nun in a red mini?"
"No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would surprise me!"
******************************** A man was telling his friend about his upstairs neighbors. "They started to jump up and down on the floor at five o'clock in the morning!"
His friend asked, "well, didn't that disturb you? Didn't you complain?
"No-it didn't disturb me. I was practicing my trumpet." ******************************** A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it with trembling hands: >It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. Not only that mom; I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone so we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure so Ahmed will get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now so I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit because I want you to
know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worst things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you! ********************************
A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down.
When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.
Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.
Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."