Letter From Mom
When the man came home, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed. "My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked. "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious." "And?" "At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
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Afraid of the Dark
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
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For The Kids...
If Ireland sank into the sea, what county wouldn't sink?Cork! How do we know that the Earth won't come to an end?Because it's round! How did your mum know you hadn't washed your face?I forgot to wet the soap!
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Injured Employee
One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears
bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I
accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what
about the other?"
"They called back!"
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What do you call an accordionist with a beeper? An optimist.
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”Dog Minded”
A man went to a psychiatrist and said he was worried that he was a dog.
"It's terrible," said the man, "I walk around on all fours. I keep barking in the middle of the night and I can't go past a lamp post any more."
"Okay," said the psychiatrist. "Lie down on the couch."
The man replied, "I'm not allowed on the couch."
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Hang on to any of the new 2006 West Virginia Quarters.
If you have them they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the West Virginia Quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or any other coin operated device. The problem lies in the unique design of the quarter, which was designed by a team of genuine Hillbillies. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the machines.
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"Fixed Sign"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, a goober, looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"
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Oneliner
"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."
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CleanPun - "Lumber Need"
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
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Police RecruitA police recruit was asked during an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"He said, "Call for backup."
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I have a reputation for not being a fantastic cook. One evening I worked
particularly hard on a new recipe, and once again it didn't turn out as
well as I'd hoped.
My son, always sweet and conscious of my feelings, chose his words carefully
after the meal. "Mom," he said, "that dinner was so good I thought someone
else made it."
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I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The
Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed
boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the
captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach
him about it.
"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't
swim?"
"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"
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"A new study found that sleep is essential to creativity. I'd just like to
say that we have the most creative audience in all of television!" - Craig
Kilborn