Roughing It
A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip
that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about
how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to
hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.
"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization,
what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.
She replied, "You."
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One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a
car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"I'll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car,"
said the driver.
"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.
"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.
"I said no way," replied the boy.
"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver.
"No, I'm not getting in the car," answered the boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the
driver offered.
"No!" replied the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.
The boy replied: "Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo--you
live with it!"
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"High Blood Pressure"
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 150.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and sees that she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in here, I was tall and slender, and now I'm short and fat!"
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Oneliner
"After years of uneventfully ordering a side of bacon with breakfast, you can image my surprise at the side of beef I ordered last night for dinner." - Scott E. Frank
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"Einstein Burger"
"Have you been to that new 'Einstein Burger' yet?"
"Why yes I have."
"How was it?"
"Relatively good."
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Thanks to J and G B -- In an effort to determine the
top crime fighting agency in the country, the
president narrowed the field to three finalist, the
CIA, the FBI, and the Chicago Police.
The three remaining contenders were given the task of
catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.
The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal
informants throughout. They questioned all plant and
mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigation they concluded that rabbits do not
exist.
The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without
a capture, they burned the forest killing everything
in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies.
The rabbit deserved it.
The CPD went into the forest. They came out two hours
later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear was yelling "Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a
rabbit".
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Spaghetti Sauce
Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her
haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it
sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it
was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison
Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the
sauce again. That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest
volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called
out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the
spaghetti sauce turned out."