Rocket Man tests for English Channel cross
PARIS (UPI) -- A Swiss daredevil says he is closer to becoming the first jet-powered "bird man" to cross the English Channel. Yves Rossy, 48, also known as Rocket Man, recently completed a 10-minute test flight of more than 22 miles with a jet-powered wing strapped to his back, The Sunday Times of London reported. He reportedly jumped out of a small plane over Bex, Switzerland, and reached 180 mph in his flight, wearing a heat resistant suit and using parachutes to come in for a landing. "Everything went well, it was awesome, it's my longest flight with this wing. If there are no technical problems it's okay for the English Channel," Rossey said. "I did the distance, everything is going swimmingly." His flight is set for Sept. 24, weather permitting. The event will broadcast live in 165 countries by the National Geographic Channel. "My flight will be a tribute to all those who came before me, many of whom were killed," Rossey said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Broken Seal
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing," his mother asked? "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Controlling Spouses
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Battery Warranty
An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier. "Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!" "Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
10 ways to know if you have PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****."6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.8. You're counting down the days until menopause.9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Share and Share Alike
An elderly couple walks into a fast food restaurant. They
order one hamburger, one order of fries, and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts
it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then
carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles
and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a
sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip, and then he sets the
cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of
hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and
whispering, "That poor old couple -- all they can afford is
one meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his fries, a young man comes to the
table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old
couple. The old man replies that they're just fine --
they're just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people notice the little old lady hasn't
eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and
occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy
another meal for them.
This time the old woman says, "No, thank you, we are used to
sharing everything."
As the old man finishes and wipes his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old
lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks, "May
I ask what is it you are waiting for?"
The old woman answers, "THE TEETH."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"British scientists are now seeking permission to fuse human
cells with rabbit eggs. Their goal is to create a human with
a lucky foot." --Jay Leno
***
"A recent study has found that more senior citizens than
ever are entering college. College faculty says that the
seniors are like any other students but take Jell-O shots
just for the Jell-O." --Conan O'Brien
***
"The French have launched their own version of Google,
called Quaero. You just type in the subject you're
interested in, and Quaero refuses to look it up for you."
--Amy Poehler
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I
bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot
of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could
actually get inside and ride. Instead, after hours of
assembly on my part, he ended up played in the box it came
in.
It taught me a valuable lesson. Next year he got a box, and
I got a hundred dollars' worth of scotch.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The
man raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in
Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"
"What's that mean?" asks the girl.
"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."
"Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"
The girl says, "That's French toast."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Death And Taxs
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Include a note that says, "Now, you have EVERYTHING!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Reading Glasses"
I took my 5 year old grandson to the optometrist to pick up his new glasses. The glasses were prescribed "to help him read and be able to see the computer better".
When we got back home, he got on the computer to play a game. In a few minutes he called me and said there was something wrong with his glasses.
I asked him what was the problem and he said, "I still can't read."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Contest"
There once was a sweepstakes that offered a shopping center as first prize.
The Supreme Court, however, ruled the contest illegal, since everyone knows you can't win a mall.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cuban Prisoners”
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was jailed for coming to work late." mourned the first. "They said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."
"Me? I came to work early." said the second. "They said this proved I was a Capitalist spy."
"And I am here for always getting to work on time." added the third. "They said this proved I had an American watch."
-- Bonus Material --
"I had a dream I was trapped in an elevator with Michael Bolton, Kenny G and Yanni. And I had a gun with only one bullet."