CleanQuote
"The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken."
- Samuel Johnson, British Author, Lexicographer
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"Motherly Help"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, girl?"
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Work Witsdom
1 I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
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3 Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
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5 Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
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7 Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
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9 I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
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11 My reality check bounced.
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13 On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
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15 I don't suffer from stress, but I am a carrier.
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17 Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
18 Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience
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"It's important to recycle your Christmas tree. In fact, we
recycle the ornaments. We let the cat lick the tinsel off
the tree, then when he coughs up those Brillo fur balls, we
use them to clean the grill." -Jay Leno
***
"I had a good weekend. Guillermo and Uncle Frank came over
and I smoked a roast in my smoker. I smoked it for 12 hours.
Fifteen pounds of roast, 15 guys there, one three pound dog,
and not one scrap left. We ate the dog, too, when we were
finished." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"This is a great opportunity to let the audience into my
private world. You guys don't know who the real guy is. So
I'm going to give you some fun facts right now. I'm 6 foot
4. I weigh 178 pounds. For an hour after I was born, doctors
that I was a baby girl. The light was very good; I still
don't understand." Conan O'Brien
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Old Proff. Vernon Allen had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely
with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and
some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and
fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and
look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a
five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made
the women aware of his presence.
At once, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave."
The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you
young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond
naked."
Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the
alligator."
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My son is the manager of a glass and window company and ad-
vertised in the paper for experienced glaziers. Since a good
glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who
called about the job said he had over 10 years of experience.
"Where have you worked as a glazier?" my son asked.
The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."
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12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
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Engineer's Glass
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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Balance
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another
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Cop's Toilet
Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet?
Right now the cops have nothing to go on.
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Tall Order
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where a huge commotion erupts!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"