Sick Leave
I really needed a few days off from work, but I knew the
boss wouldn't give me time off. I thought that maybe if I
acted "crazy," then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down from the ceiling and made funny
noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her
that I was pretending to be a light bulb so the boss might
think I was desperately in need of a few days off.
A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and
asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly
stressed out. Go home and rest for a couple of days." I
jumped down and walked out of the office.
However, when my co-worker started to follow me, our boss
called out, "And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."
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Suspended PracticeSuspicious delay on football fieldsee also Sports Section
Winnipeg Blue Bomber football practice was delayed on Sunday for nearly two hours at Canada Inns Stadium. One of the players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the field. The head coach immediately suspended practice while the RCMP were called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the RCMP determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the RCMP decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
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Life ObservationsHow to tell who the sucker is...see also Relationships SectionLife's Little SecretsLife's ReflectionsLife Sucks
1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.2. Some people are like a Slinky, not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that's not going to happen.”4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day... lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to.7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?15. You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.16. Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.17. If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.18. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs, then you lean too far and you almost fall over backwards but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.19. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait two and half months for an appointment, and he says, “I wish you had come to me sooner.”
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Great Lines by Soccer Commentators
Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.
He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.
And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.
With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.
Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.
If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.
Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.
I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win.
If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.
You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.
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Dog GroomingA friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged. "I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!"The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite, do you?!"
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"The financial crisis is getting worse. A bailout is in the
works. Today, Congress declared, 'The days of getting money
just for the asking, are over.' Then, they asked for $700
billion." -Jay Leno
***
"The past several days, President Bush has been speaking
out about the Wall Street bailout, and today a reporter
asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Bush got upset
and said, 'Why does everyone always spell in front of me?'"
-Conan O'Brien
***
"Don Rickles and Kathy Griffin presented an award last
night. It's great to see that grizzled old timer still get
the laughs. And Rickles is funny, too." -Craig Ferguson
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My father and I belong to the religion of Sikhism. We both
wear the traditional turban and often encounter strange
comments and questions. Once, in a restaurant, a child
stared with amazement at my father. She finally got the
courage to ask, "Are you a genie?"
Her mother, caught off guard, turned red in the face and
apologized for the remark. But my dad took no offense and
decided to humor the child.
He replied, "Why, yes I am. I can grant you three wishes."
The child's mother blurted out, "Really?"
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My father and I belong to the religion of Sikhism. We both
wear the traditional turban and often encounter strange
comments and questions. Once, in a restaurant, a child
stared with amazement at my father. She finally got the
courage to ask, "Are you a genie?"
Her mother, caught off guard, turned red in the face and
apologized for the remark. But my dad took no offense and
decided to humor the child.
He replied, "Why, yes I am. I can grant you three wishes."
The child's mother blurted out, "Really?"
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Las Vegas Churches
This may come as a surprise to those not living in Las
Vegas, but it is a very spiritual city, with more Catholic
churches than casinos!
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will
give casino chips rather than cash when the donation tray is
passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the
churches have devised a method of turning the chips into
cash.
They send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan
monastery, where the patient and detail-oriented men sort
and count the chips. The chips are then taken to the casinos
of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
You didn't even see it coming, did you?
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Getting Gray?
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
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Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids
It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter. Dogs cannot lie. Dogs never resist nap time. You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog. Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid. Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes. Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old. Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public. Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42 Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000