Wife Wanted
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
Next day he received a hundred letters.They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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Cow Joke
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear.
The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket.
It went in one ear and out the udder.
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Thrill of the Chase
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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Bird Hunting
Two drunk men were out bird-hunting. Suddenly, one of them said, "Hey! I see two birds!"
"Well, shoot then,"said the other man.
"But which one do I shoot?"
"Hmm...take another drink,"the other man said, handing him the bottle.
"Hey! Now I see three!"exclaimed the man.
"Good. Shoot the one in the middle."
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Bovine Chat
Buttercup and Daisy were chatting as they chewed the cud.
- "Ere, have you heard about this mad-cow disease?"
- "Yes, sounds nasty."
- "I'm glad I'm a chicken."
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Weird News
Assemblyman Dov Hikind of
"Surveyors found nearly no restrooms accessible in the (subway) system," the report stated.
To add insult to injury, the survey team also walked in on two people engaging in sex in one of the men's rooms they were checking.
The Post said that the only two restrooms that were both open and fully stocked were for use by transit employees only and not available to straphangers in need.
The New York City Transit agency told the Post it had not seen Hikind's survey.
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Rules of Driving
- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
- Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
- Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
- Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.
- Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.
- It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.
- Remember that the goal of every good driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
- Real female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
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Top ten signs your co-worker is a hacker
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez," 95 times during the movie, "The Net."
4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, fool."
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Truth In Politics
It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle.
Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. "Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."
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For Cat Lovers
- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.
- Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.
- Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
- Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.
- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
- I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic!
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"The other week I went to see my doctor ... I was in the
waiting room, and I decided to pass the time finishing a
novel. But the other patients complained about the noise of
the typewriter." --Arthur Brown
***
"One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a
wooden stake." --Jack Handey
***
"I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in
the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was
'Woman'." --Steven Wright
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I heard the dog barking before he and his owner actually
barreled into our vet practice. Spotting a training video
we sell, the owner wisely decided to buy one.
"How does this work?" she asked, handing me a check. "Do I
just have him watch this?"
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I was scheduled to fly from
my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in
at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard
security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that
you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.
I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to
take to her son.
He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"