Four-Letter Surgery
Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm OK but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
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A neighbor of mine took off with his family to see the country. When he
returned, I asked how he enjoyed the vacation.
He replied, "have you ever spent 3 weeks in a mini-van with those you
thought you loved?"
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About a week ago, I came across an Internet advise column that told me how
to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk.
Great.
So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions, and placed them on
top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
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With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians aren't
the world's greatest rock stars. I mean, everyone knows that the heart of
rock and roll is the beet.
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TRIVIA: What pitcher holds the records for the most
strikeouts in a World Series Game?
"Tenderness and kindness are not signs of
weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength
and resolution" (Kahlil Gibran).
ANSWER BELOW
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Thanks to Marti -- Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie
Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country
has ever known.
Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it
back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The
few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the
electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now
and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot
him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want
people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and
some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that
it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it
was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
anything to laugh at when you are old.
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From GCFL: Fatal Things To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant --
I finished the Oreos.
Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby
forever!
Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super
Bowl.
Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from
that Richard Simmons fella.
Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to
Willard Scott!
I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
Get your *own* ice cream.
Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
Got milk?
Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.
Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your rear!
You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
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From GCFL: Lobster Tales
A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, "Big Lobster
Tales, $5 each."
Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress,
"Five dollars each for lobster tails -- is that correct?"
"Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today."
"Well," he said, "they must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "it's the really big lobster."
"Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails -- and a
little bit tough?"
"No," she said, "it's the really big red lobster."
"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?" he said, amazed. "They must be old
lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big red lobster tails -- $5 each?" he repeated, astounded.
"Yes," she insisted.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one."
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit
down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder,
leaned over close to him, and said, "Once upon a time there was a
really big red lobster..."
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ANSWER: Bob Gibson of the St. Louis Cardinals struck
out 17 Detroit Tigers in the 1968 World Series to set
the mark for most strikeouts in a W.S. game.