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Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
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Bob Hope
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003
ON TURNING 70: "You still chase women, but only downhill."
ON TURNING 80: "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90: "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100: " I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING: "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR: "Welcome to the Academy Awards
or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'"
ON GOLF: "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to
pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS: "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER: "When I was born,
the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham.'"
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL: "I feel very
humble, but I think I have the strength of character to
fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY: "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: "That's how I learned to dance --
waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: "I would not have had anything to eat
if it weren't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN: "I've done benefits for ALL religions.
I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
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Updated Punishment
"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, shaking his head, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But our son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player."
"So what do you do when your son misbehaves?" asked his friend.
"I send him to our room!"
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"My grandfather is hard of hearing, he needs to read lips - I don't mind him reading lips, but he uses those yellow high-lighters." - Brian Kiley
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Insurance Claim
The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim.
As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take.
Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."
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VAIN PRAYER, BRUTAL HONESTY: The preacher's little
daughter noticed that her father always bowed his head
for a minute before starting his sermon. One day she
asked him why.
"Well, I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good
sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
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f all the people who sleep in church were laid out
end to end, they'd be more comfortable...
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BORING... A preacher, known for long and boring
sermons (are there really such preachers???), had been
into a particularly tedious one for nearly an hour,
when he stopped to scold the congregation.
"I know you think my sermons are long, but I've got
something important to impart to you. Now, I don't
mind you looking at your watches while I'm preaching,
but I want you to know that I resent you shaking them
to see if they're still running."
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PERCEPTION: A mother and her son, who weren't regular churchgoers, went to visit a new congregation for Sunday morning service. On their way home the mother asked her son what he thought of the service.
"Well, I liked the music, but I thought the commercial
was too long."
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ECUMENISM: The Baptist preacher called a construction
company to come and cut a hole in the outside wall of
his office for an air conditioner. He waited, but
they did not come. After a while he got a bill for
the job. He called up to protest.
The voice on the other end of the phone said, "Just a
minute."
After a bit he came back and said, "In the spirit of
ecumenism, we cut a hole in the Catholic Church."
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MINORITY: A certain fellow had a habit of going to
sleep in church, which irritated the preacher. One
Sunday, he decided to embarrass him. At the tail end
of his sermon, when the offending parishioner was
sleeping soundly, he asked everybody who thought they
were going to heaven to stand up. Everyone stood up
except the sleeping man. The preacher smiled slyly,
told everyone to be seated, and then in a low voice
said, "Now, everybody who thinks he's going to hell"
-- he paused, and then shouted -- "STAND UP!"
The sleeping man awoke and jumped to his feet. He
looked around and saw that everybody else was seated,
looked at the minister, and said, "I don't know what
we're voting on, preacher, but it appears that you and
me lost."