There was a lady who was visiting a church one Sunday.
The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman yawned, "I'm glad it's done too!"
Monday, July 19, 2004
MEDICAL DAFFYNITIONS
MEDICAL DAFFYNITIONS
~ Artery: The study of painting
~ Bacteria: The back door of the cafeteria ~ Barium: What doctors do when their patients die ~ Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O or U ~ Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome ~ CAT Scan: Searching for a kitty ~ Cauterize: To make eye contact with a girl ~ Coma: A punctuation mark ~ Enema: Someone who is not your friend ~ Fester: Quicker ~ Fibula: A small lie ~ Labor Pain: When you get hurt at work ~ Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates ~ Node: Was aware of ~ Outpatient: A patient who fainted ~ Pelvis: An Elvis impersonator ~ Recovery Room: A place to do upholstery ~ Secretion: Something you don't want anyone to know ~ Seizure: A Roman emperor ~ Tablet: A small table ~ Terminal: Where the planes land ~ Urine: Opposite of "you're out"
~ Varicose: Nearby
~ Vein: To be conceited
~ Artery: The study of painting
~ Bacteria: The back door of the cafeteria ~ Barium: What doctors do when their patients die ~ Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O or U ~ Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome ~ CAT Scan: Searching for a kitty ~ Cauterize: To make eye contact with a girl ~ Coma: A punctuation mark ~ Enema: Someone who is not your friend ~ Fester: Quicker ~ Fibula: A small lie ~ Labor Pain: When you get hurt at work ~ Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates ~ Node: Was aware of ~ Outpatient: A patient who fainted ~ Pelvis: An Elvis impersonator ~ Recovery Room: A place to do upholstery ~ Secretion: Something you don't want anyone to know ~ Seizure: A Roman emperor ~ Tablet: A small table ~ Terminal: Where the planes land ~ Urine: Opposite of "you're out"
~ Varicose: Nearby
~ Vein: To be conceited
The Panda Bear
A panda walks into a diner, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots out the restaurant's windows.
As the panda stands up to go, the owner shouts, "Hey!
Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the owner, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The owner opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for "panda":
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring.
Eats shoots and leaves."
As the panda stands up to go, the owner shouts, "Hey!
Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the owner, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The owner opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for "panda":
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring.
Eats shoots and leaves."
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY: DEDICATED TO MISSING CHURCH ATTENDERS!
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY: DEDICATED TO MISSING CHURCH ATTENDERS!
To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse
Sunday":
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's too loud!
Hope to see you there!
To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse
Sunday":
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's too loud!
Hope to see you there!
"The Good Wife's Guide"... [continued from yesterday]
From yesterday --
An updated version of "The Good Wife's Guide"... for the Women of the 21st Century
Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time.
If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been a bad one and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
Prepare yourself. Stopping at the "Chanel" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit
card.)
Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriages.
Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.
Some DON'TS:
Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.
Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out!"
The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong. The world revolves around you.
An updated version of "The Good Wife's Guide"... for the Women of the 21st Century
Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time.
If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been a bad one and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
Prepare yourself. Stopping at the "Chanel" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit
card.)
Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriages.
Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.
Some DON'TS:
Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.
Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out!"
The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong. The world revolves around you.
THE COLON AND THE SEMICOLON
THE COLON AND THE SEMICOLON
I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he got the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only the very top of the key.
When I told him about the shift key he thought I was a genius.
I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he got the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only the very top of the key.
When I told him about the shift key he thought I was a genius.
Big John
A very small, mousy man was hired as a bartender in the Old West. The saloon owner advised him, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for your life."
The bartender worked for six months with no problems. Then one day a cowboy rushed in shouting, "Big John's a-comin'!" In his hurry to get out, he knocked the small bartender to the floor. Before the bartender could recover, in came a giant of a man with a black, bushy beard. He rode in through the swinging doors on the back of a buffalo, using a rattlesnake for a whip. The man tore the doors off of their hinges, knocked over tables, and slung the rattlesnake into the corner.
"Gimme a drink," he yelled as he split the bar in half with a pound of his massive fist. The bartender nervously pushed a bottle toward the man. He bit off the top of the glass bottle with his teeth, chugged the contents in one gulp and turned to leave. Realizing that the man wasn't hurting anyone, the bartender asked if he'd like another drink.
"Ain't got no time," the man roared. "Big John's a comin' to town."
The bartender worked for six months with no problems. Then one day a cowboy rushed in shouting, "Big John's a-comin'!" In his hurry to get out, he knocked the small bartender to the floor. Before the bartender could recover, in came a giant of a man with a black, bushy beard. He rode in through the swinging doors on the back of a buffalo, using a rattlesnake for a whip. The man tore the doors off of their hinges, knocked over tables, and slung the rattlesnake into the corner.
"Gimme a drink," he yelled as he split the bar in half with a pound of his massive fist. The bartender nervously pushed a bottle toward the man. He bit off the top of the glass bottle with his teeth, chugged the contents in one gulp and turned to leave. Realizing that the man wasn't hurting anyone, the bartender asked if he'd like another drink.
"Ain't got no time," the man roared. "Big John's a comin' to town."
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