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MEXICAN JEWS
Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al," were sitting in a
Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith
born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any
Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor,
I'll ask the cooks."
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No
sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you
absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the
expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back
into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to
believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are
scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook said
there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe
there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and
grape Jews."
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Tidbits of Wit
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
another number." -- James Estes
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Warm Up Wit
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time.
The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle,
carrying lighted candles.
All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy
birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."
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Advice For Yankees Moving South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use
it.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay
home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a
four-wheel drive Ford-150 Pick Up Truck with a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what
they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is
plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you either.
8. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's
windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
9. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,
directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on
a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and
lane position for the vehicle.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of
his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
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Doesn't It Get Your Goat?
You stand at the checkout and person in front of you buys the same item you
do but gets it for 50 cents less because they have a coupon. Now you can
check the latest food coupons and print them from your computer.
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From the Archive
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and
out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
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Exercise
- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. - Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where on earth she is.
- The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
- And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
- You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
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Lesson Learned
When my son was around 4 years old, he went to the local drug store with me one afternoon. While in the check out he noticed a bald-headed man behind us in line. I had, as good moms do, been teaching him how to use good manners, especially when in public. I noticed the man the same time my son did and just prayed that he would remember what I had taught him.
Within seconds, at an unusually quiet moment in the store, my son proclaimed, "Look mama, that man ain't got no hair!" The man was understanding, even thinking this was cute so he smiled at my son.
Next, without warning, my son shouted,"And look, he ain't got no teeth either!!"
I couldn't get out of there fast enough. To make this even worse, while in the parking lot, the man walked over and spoke very kindly to my son. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his false teeth, and said, "I do have my teeth, I just haven't brushed yet."
My son has never had a cavity and he is now twenty years old. I guess some lessons are learned in the oddest ways.
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Feeding
"Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of water?"
"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."
"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."