"Parachute Training"
I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.
"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.
"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
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Oneliner
"I used to have a handle on life, but it broke."
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CleanPun - "Democracy"
"Always remember -- in a democracy, your vote counts. But in a feudal system, your count votes."
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"In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there have always been
times like these." - Paul Harvey
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"Orchestra Note"
While a famous orchestra was on tour, the conductor found this note under his hotel room door one night:
"I think you should know that the fellow in your band who plays the instrument that pulls in and out only bothered playing during the odd moments you were looking straight at him."
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Oneliner
"Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches."
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CleanPun - "Relocation"
Village Dry Cleaners has relocated to High Street, right next door to St. Joseph's Church.
After March 1, Cleanliness Is Next to Godliness.
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Benjamin is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas.
Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a
quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He
finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the
quarter.
Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the
quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his
winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his
modest winnings into a million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Benjamin goes on the
lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He
tells his audiences that he will always be eternally
grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man, he
will share his fortune with him.
After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and
says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the
quarter."
"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm
looking for. I mean the guy who left the stall door open!"