Four Stages of Life
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
Monday, August 02, 2004
Factory Supplies
Factory Supplies
At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some supplies. The machines' conveyor belts needed talcum powder to prevent them from sticking, and we had run out of aspirin for workers with noise induced tension headaches. I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart with four cases of baby powder and several boxes of aspirin. As the man behind me in the checkout line peered at my purchases, he laughed and exclaimed, "I'm glad that's your baby and not mine!"
At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some supplies. The machines' conveyor belts needed talcum powder to prevent them from sticking, and we had run out of aspirin for workers with noise induced tension headaches. I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart with four cases of baby powder and several boxes of aspirin. As the man behind me in the checkout line peered at my purchases, he laughed and exclaimed, "I'm glad that's your baby and not mine!"
After shopping at a busy store
After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my vehicle easily. Wow," the woman said. "I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car." "Actually," I replied, "that's my husband."
DOCTOR S SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS
DOCTOR S SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS (Real?
Transcriptions)
The following quotes were allegedly taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians:
*~ By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
*~ On the second day, the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
*~ The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
*~ She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
*~ The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
*~ She is numb from the toes down.
*~ The skin was moist and dry.
*~ When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
*~ Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
*~ Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
*~ The patient refused an autopsy.
*~ The patient has no past history of suicides.
*~ The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*~ The patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Transcriptions)
The following quotes were allegedly taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians:
*~ By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
*~ On the second day, the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
*~ The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
*~ She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
*~ The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
*~ She is numb from the toes down.
*~ The skin was moist and dry.
*~ When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
*~ Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
*~ Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
*~ The patient refused an autopsy.
*~ The patient has no past history of suicides.
*~ The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*~ The patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
A woman decided
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
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