"Market Conditions"
The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."
"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."
"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
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Today's Quote
Ok, not to belabor the point, but remember that great quote that wasn't said by James A. Garfield (20th.President of the U.S.A)? Well, thanks to list member Rick "Sam_Mcduff" who tracked the source of the quote to Stanford president Donald Kennedy at commencement in 1991. Here is an expanded quote from him.
"The commitments that people make to values beyond the self are manifested in various ways - in their family and community life, in the way they treat any and all humans, in the goals and standards they set for themselves. There are men and women who make the world better just by being the kind of people they are. They have the gift of kindness or courage or loyalty or integrity. It really matters very little whether they are behind the wheel of a truck, or running a business, or bringing up a family. They teach the truth by living it."
- Donald Kennedy, President of Stanford
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"Self-Image"
How to Lie to the Bathroom Scales
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage, of course.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps!)
7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.
8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)
10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
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"Computer Career"
Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area outside of the I/S staff. One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing.
I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The computer is over there."
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The Curse
The plane was flying from Seattle to New York. The
young woman of 25 was seated next to a well dressed
lady in her 70's. The young woman found it difficult
to ignore the beautiful huge diamond that the elderly
passenger seated next to her was wearing. After a
while she could not resist making a comment about the
beautiful stone. That diamond on your finger is so
huge!"
The elderly lady smiled and said, "It is five carats
--the famous Nussbaum Diamond--it's worth almost a
million dollars!"
The young lady let out a screech of excitement--"Oh
how fantastic!"
The elderly lady continued. There is only one problem
with the Nussbaum Diamond, ---there is a curse that
goes with it!"
"What kind of a curse goes with the Nussbaum Diamond?"
The young lady yelled out over the engine noise.
The elderly woman smiled and answered--"Mr. Nussbaum!
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DID YOU KNOW?
The world record frog jump is 33 feet 5.5 inches over
the course of 3 consecutive leaps, achieved in May
1977 by a South African sharp-nosed frog called
Santjie.
The average outdoor only cat has a lifespan of about
three years. Indoor only cats can live sixteen years
and longer.
Did you know that at Disneyland they have like
hundreds of wild domesticated cats running around the
park? They never come out during the day because
there's too many people, but the reason they're there
is to catch the mice.
The Maine Coon cat is America's only natural breed of
domestic feline.
Julius Caeser, Henri II, Charles XI and Napoleon all
had ailurophobia, a fear of cats.
Electric light or light from your TV set will make
your cat shed her fur.
According to experts, whale songs rhyme.
Both humans and cats have identical regions in the
brain responsible for emotion.
The oceans contain 99 percent of the living space on
the planet.
Penguins "fly" underwater at up to 25 miles per hour.
The catgut formerly used as strings in tennis rackets
and musical instruments does not come from cats.
Catgut actually comes from sheep, hogs, and horses.
The domestic cat is the only species able to hold its
tail vertically while walking. Wild cats hold their
tail horizontally, or tucked between their legs while
walking.
A group of herring is called a seige.
A group of jelly fish is called a smack.
A Holstein's spots are like a fingerprint or
snowflake. No two cows have exactly the same pattern
of spots.
The male penguin incubates the single egg laid by his
mate. During the two month period he does not eat, and
will lose up to 40% of his body weight.
The cat's brain needs so much energy to function that
over twenty percent of blood that the heart pumps goes
immediately to it.
Cats respond better to women than men. One reason this
might be is that women have higher pitched voices than
men.
Horseshoe crabs have existed in essentially the same
form for the past 135 million years. Their blood
provides a valuable test for the toxins that cause
septic shock, which previously led to half of all
hospital-acquired infections and one-fifth of all
hospital deaths.
The Pacific Giant Octopus, the largest octopus in the
world, grows from the size of pea to a 150 pound
behemoth potentially 30 feet across in only two years,
its entire life-span.
A cat sees about six times better than a human at
night because of the tapetum lucidum, a layer of extra
reflecting cells which absorb light.
Animal gestation periods: the shortest is the American
opossum, which bears its young 12 to 13 days after
conception; the longest is the Asiatic elephant,
taking 608 days, or just over 20 months.
A father sea catfish keeps the eggs of his young in
his mouth until they are ready to hatch. He will not
eat until his young are born, which may take several
weeks.
The first house rats recorded in America appeared in
Boston in 1775.
Australian termites have been known to build mounds
twenty feet high and at least 100 feet wide.
Camel milk does not curdle.
The oarfish, Regalecus glesne, is the longest bony
fish in the world. With its snakelike body_sporting a
magnificent red fin along its 50-foot length,
horselike face and blue gills, it accounts for many
sea-serpent sightings.
An adult lion's roar can be heard up to five miles
away, and warns off intruders or reunites scattered
members of the pride.
The stuff (allergens) that people are allergic to in
cats is a protein in cat saliva. When the cat grooms
and the saliva dries it can become airborn. This
protein is 1/3 the weight of ordinary housedust, so it
can travel farther. You can find this allergen where
cats have never been.
Cats step with both left legs, then both right legs
when they walk or run. The only other animals to do
this are the giraffe and the camel.
Many fish can change sex during the course of their
lives. Others, especially rare deep-sea fish, have
both male and female sex organs.
The cat was domesticated over 4,000 years ago. Today's
house cats are descended from wildcats in Africa and
Europe.
When a queen bee lays the fertilized eggs that will
develop into new queens, only one of the newly laid
queens actually survives. The first new queen that
emerges from her cell destroys all other queens in
their cells and, thereafter, reigns alone.
The remains of diatoms, algae with hard shells, are
used in making pet litter, cosmetics, pool filters and
tooth polish.
Despite its reputation for being finicky, the average
cat consumes about 127,750 calories a year, nearly 28
times its own weight in food and the same amount again
in liquids. In case you're wondering, cats cannot
survive on a vegetarian diet.
Over 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into
windows.