"Swahili Gasp"
A company was producing an English-language movie. In one scene, an exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a vital message in Swahili. The company even found someone who knew the language. The scene worked beautifully in the movie -- until it played in an African town where Swahili was well known. A moment of high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped
out:
"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"
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Oneliner
"I like pigs - dogs look up to us and cats look down on us but pigs treat us as equals."
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CleanPun - "Saint Andreas"
Blame Saint Andreas. Its all his fault.
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One year, Johnny's family was having an "extended family"
4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats
that year was lighting the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle
rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of
state (they're illegal in their state, of course!).
Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying his
neighbors' plans had just fallen through and asking if he
bring them along to the picnic -- they even had extra food
to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"
When the cousin arrived with his neighbors, it was
discovered that the head of that family was a police
officer. Johnny's father turned as innocently as he could to
his son and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of
fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere
quickly. Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the
topic to food for the day. This family had brought some
chicken to grill, so the father told them the gas grill was
all set to use out back -- they just had to turn on the gas
and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.
They headed out to the back as Johnny returned through the
front door. The father hurried to him and said, "Whew, that
was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw
the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"
"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"
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"Chocolate Is Bad," Study Says
Think chocolate is harmless? A study performed by a team of freshman
cosmetology students has determined that chocolate is bad for human
consumption. Laboratory experiments involving rats have shown evidence that
the decadent delight can cause severe health problems and even death.
"The results of our research are shocking," said Mildred Sisk, A Senior
Washroom Attendant for the Institute of Advanced Cosmetology Science. "We
took five hundred rats and dunked them in a vat of chocolate for thirty
minutes. Surprisingly, not even one survived. If chocolate does this to
rats, imagine what would do to a human body."
Ms. Sisk's theory has been challenged by some in the scientific community
who claim that, more than likely, the cause of death for the rats was
drowning. "Those folks don't know anything. They're just jealous because
they didn't thing of it first," stated Ms. Sisk. "They weren't there and
didn't see what I saw. Besides, when humans eat chocolate, it coats the
inside of the body, so in reality, the body is suffocating from the inside
out."
Further testing is scheduled using live chickens.
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Nursery School Patriotism
The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took
the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a
great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about
is that, in this country, we are all free."
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He
stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."