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Insured Voice
A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his
congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my
voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."
There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.
Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly
woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"
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I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband.
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
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Being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right.
You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.
You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.
I am to check their heads for! lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.
Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.
All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!
You want me to do all of this and yet , you expect me..... NOT TO PRAY?"
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My Updated Resume
My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just
couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't
suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that
was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a
little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the
thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced
it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I
found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't
have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just
didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that
I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool
maintenance company, but the work was just too
draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said
I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I
finally got a job as a historian, but there was no
future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to
quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED, AND FOUND THAT I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB
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MAY YOU HAVE ENOUGH
Happiness to keep you sweet
Trials to keep you strong
Sorrow to keep you human
Hope to keep you happy
Failure to keep you humble
Success to keep you eager
Friends to give you comfort
Wealth to meet your needs
Enthusiasm to make you look forward to tomorrow
Determination to make each day better than the day
before
(Author Unknown)