"Hand Dryers"
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.
I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Leading"
"You can lead a horse to water, but, a pencil must be lead."- Stan Laurel in the short, "BRATS"
+++++++++++++++++++
”Angry Preacher”
A pastor had had a bad week. On Sunday he was very frustrated and he began his sermon, "Everyone in this parish is going to hell if they don't change their ways."
One man in the back began to laugh.
So the pastor said it again louder.
The man continued to laugh.
The pastor went back to him and asked him why he was laughing.
He answered, "Because I don't belong to this parish!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Washington DCA teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"The reply was, "Washington D.C."On being asked what the 'D.C.' stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"
+++++++++++++++++++
We only received a handful of complaints about the April
Fools joke last week. That's not too bad considering about
1,055 people filled it out! :) Thanks to all of you good
sports out there! Hope you have a great Tuesday! */
A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters
became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man
who took them out.
But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's
prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well
mannered.
Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked
all the young men she and her sisters brought home.
"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."
+++++++++++++++++++
Wife Fell Out
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Alligator Shoes
A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!". So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several were already lying. Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Microsoft vs. GM
At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" And... 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you get if you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot?A bite in shining armour! What does it mean if you find a werewolf in the fridge in the morning?You had some party the night before! Where does Sitting Bull's ghost live?In a creepy teepee! Why did the farmer call his pig 'Ink'?Because he kept running out of the pen!
+++++++++++++++++++
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.
Dear Concerned Citizen
Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of the Taliban
and Al Qaeda detainees currently held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The
administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard
loud and clear here in Washington.
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
you, we are creating the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the
"Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In
accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place
one terrorist under your personal care.
Your detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation to your
residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is to be cared for
pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
admonishment. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your
standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly
recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him
overcome this character flaw. Perhaps you are correct in describing these
problems as mere cultural differences.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and
can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices
from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless you feel that this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters since he views
females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive
subject for him. He has been known to show violent tendencies around women
who fail to comply with the dress code that he considers appropriate, but
I'm sure that over time they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the
bhurka. Just remind them that it is all part of respecting his culture and
his religious beliefs.
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you
inform us of the proper way to do our job. Take good care of Ahmed and good
luck!
Cordially,
Don Rumsfeld
+++++++++++++++++++
Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards
OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.
OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.
OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help
but wonder...
INSIDE: What was I thinking?
OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so ugly.
OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.