Airport Mistletoe
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned
a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the
rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier"
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would
not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
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For the curious who might not know of the "tradition" of kissing
under the mistletoe, let me provide a tiny bit of history.
The history of kissing under the mistletoe means going back to
ancient Scandinavia -- to custom and the Norse myths: "It was also
the plant of peace in Scandinavian antiquity. If enemies met by
chance beneath it in a forest, they laid down their arms and
maintained a truce until the next day." This ancient Scandinavian
custom led to mistletoe being a symbol of love, peace and goodwill.
It may be that this embrace of goodwill among enemies eventually led
to the traditional kiss under the mistletoe. Some cultures say that
if a man kisses a woman while she is standing under mistletoe, it is
a proposal of marriage! Most cultures around the world however, now
just view a person standing under mistletoe as being available for a kiss!
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"Christmas Shopping"
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
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CleanQuote
"I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress."
- Ronald Reagan
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"Debating"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag. The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle.
Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."
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A man's wife has an artificial leg. Shortly before Christmas, he buys her a
new prosthetic and then he hides it in the closet. Unfortunately, she finds
it and confronts him with the artificial limb.
"This wouldn't, by any chance, be my Christmas present, would it?" she asks.
"No, of course not" responds her husband. "It's just a stocking stuffer."
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Dear Santa,
How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with
a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year
after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the
Christmas-presents-business business.
Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on
it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids
tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are
delivered. It's an impressive operation.
I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas
presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing
advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still
don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat.
I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example,
when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and
you're way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And
even if they do, you can always just let it out that you're making the same
stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy's
stuff?
Also, other people who make Christmas presents can't deliver them like you
can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some
great discounts from them, because if they don't play ball you can just
refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.
What I don't get is why you give away stuff. That's the dumbest idea I've
ever heard. I admit, its why you're number one - who could compete with a
deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially
when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or
fail.
Here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at
least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them
the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something
and then sell them what they need to make it work.
Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That's so slow and
inefficient. And what about all the people who don't have chimneys? Santa. I
have one word for you--windows. Everybody has windows.
That's about all I have to say. You're probably wondering if I was good or
bad this year, but I don't really like to talk about my personal life, if
that's O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the
other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don't really have anything to ask
for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I
guess I'm sort of like you--I make my own toys.
Best of luck,
Billy Gates
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Free gum. See bottom of shoe.
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The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the
leader and was about to answer the final question -- worth
500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned,
"name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of
relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and ... Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (which the little
sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly
faded into mumbling. The confused host replied, "Yes, we'll
accept Rudolph, but could you please explain 'Olive'?"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and
began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very
shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it
glows. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."