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Newspaper Ads
**Our experienced mother will care for your child. Fenced yards, meals and smacks included.
**Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
**Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion.
**We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
**For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
**Wanted: hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
**Wanted: man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans." - Woody Allen
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Things You Should Know (?)
15. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and
draw with the other at the same time ... hence,
multi-tasking was invented.)
16. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out
during World War II were made of wood.
17. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
18. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan;
there was never a recorded Wendy before!
19. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme
with: orange, purple, and silver!
20. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took
him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
21. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
22. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four
pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest
amount of money in coins without being able to make
change for a dollar (good to know.)
23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your
back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought
this list was completely useless.
24. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old
English law,which stated that you couldn't beat your
wife with anything wider than your thumb (sign of a
true civilized society ... not.)
25. The first product Motorola started to develop was
a record player for automobiles. At that time, the
most known player on the market was the Victrola, so
they called themselves Motorola.
26. Celery has negative calories! It takes more
calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has
in it to begin with. It's the same with apples! (Guess
what I'm buying on my next trip to the grocery store?)
27. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you
from crying!
28. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified
kosher.
29. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for
being the book most often stolen from Public
Libraries.
30. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before
they go into space because passing wind in a space
suit damages it (families taking long car trips should
adopt this same policy.)
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again."The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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KIDS IN SCHOOL THINK QUICKLYH
TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!
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TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
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TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
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TEAC! HER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
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TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
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TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
! ;GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?"
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
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TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
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TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.