The old west was full of cowboys who were good cow-ordinators.
They had consider-a-bull talent, though sometimes they would
stirrup trouble. Sometimes they took hay to bed in order to
feed their night mares. One cowboy reached for his gun and
drew a blank. Eventually they would go off to a rodeo to try
and get a few bucks.
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Put or Putt
A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.
"'Putt' is correct," replied the instructor. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it, of course. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."
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Problem Solving
There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.
"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."
"I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?"
"Ummm, perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"
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Emo Burrito
How many emos does it take to microwave a mama’s burrito?
Answer: 4.
One to cry about it on LiveJournal.
One to make a Facebook about it.
One to take a picture of them taking a picture of themselves in a mirror and post it on LiveJournal and Facebook.
The other to make the mexican burrito.
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A Dreadful Fight
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"
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Who Says Rednecks Are Dumb?
"Hello, is this the sheriff's office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's
hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how
he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the sheriff's deputies descend on Virgil's
house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no
marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the
phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy birthday, buddy!"
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Weird News
Lightning strikes twice at Pa.
BALDWIN, Pa. (UPI) -- A Baldwin,
The home, which was built by the man's father, was previously struck by lightning when he lived there as a child, WTAE-TV in
The homeowner said a neighbor helped him escape the house after the most recent lightning strike Wednesday night. Firefighters put out the blaze.
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Quint's Stradivarius spends day in cab
Quint said he inadvertently left the instrument in the back of Mohamed Khalil's minivan cab after the taxi picked him up from
The musician said he spent most of the day Monday on the phone trying to locate the cab that he hoped still contained the precious violin. He said Khalil attempted to refuse a cash reward for returning the item, but Quint insisted that the cabbie saved his life.
"I was thinking which way I was going to commit suicide if I didn't find it," Quint said he told Khalil.
He said the Stradivarius is now "glued to my body."
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Zebra found in college building
Curtis Jackson, who owns Barcode the zebra, said he did not realize the 800-pound mammal was missing until Wednesday morning when animal control officials returned it to his 53-acre home, which is located about one mile from the college, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported Thursday.
"He's back in his pen, and he seems a little rowdy right now, but otherwise I think he's OK,"
Campus police said Barcode was discovered on the third floor of Seney Hall when public safety workers opened the building Wednesday morning. Animal control officials said it did not take long to identify the zebra.
"How many people own zebras around here?" said Newton County Animal Control Director Teri Key-Hooson. "We figured it was Mr. Jackson's because we made a call out there for his zebra a couple of years ago."
Dean Stephen Bowen said the unknown zebra-nappers took measures to ensure the animal wasn't harmed.
"They lined up a row of chairs so the animal couldn't get close to the windows and injure itself," he said.
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$28,000 in sunglasses stolen
Brian Body, owner of Acoma Optical, said the thieves spent only 39 seconds in the store while stealing more than 80 pairs of expensive Versace, Gucci and Christian Dior shades, KRQE-TV,
Body, who opened the store in February, said his insurance will cover the stolen sunglasses and broken window that the burglars used for their entrance.
"You build up something. You work very hard and somebody comes in and takes it in the middle of the night and takes advantage of that," he said. "I'm just thankful that everybody's OK."
Police said they were investigating whether the burglary is connected to two similar incidents at an
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"Put Him Back"
When my now 14-year-old daughter was 3 and her younger brother was getting into everything, she asked, "Mommy, can we put him back, now?"
Deciding to take this opportunity as a teaching moment in how siblings should treat each other, I explained to her that we could not put him back - that her brother was a gift from God.
She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and responded, "I understand, Mommy. God didn't want him either."
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CleanQuote
"Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?"
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King Of The Jungle?
How to tell if you're-a-lion' or a lion......
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The trembling monkey said, “You are, mighty lion!”
Later, the lion confronted an ox and fiercely bellowed, “Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The terrified ox stammered, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”
On a roll now, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared his challenge.
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree several times, then stomped him until the lion was flat as a pancake.
Then the elephant took up a trunk-full of water, soaked the lion, and then trumpeted in victory before sauntering away.
The lion let out a moan, lifted his head weakly and hollered, “Just because you don’t know the answer, doesn’t mean you have to get all huffy about it.”