You know you are or were a Floridian if....
1.. Socks are only for bowling.
2..You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.
3..A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.
4..Your winter coat is made of denim.
5..You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.
6..You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.
6..Anything under 70 is chilly.
7.You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.
8..You could swim before you could read.
9..You have to drive north to get to The South.
10..You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.
11..Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.
12..You've gotten out of school early on Halloween to trick or treat before it got dark
13..You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.
14..You dread love bug season.
15..You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley, Hurricane Frances...but
16..You know what a snowbird is and when they'll leave.
17..You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.
18..You were twelve before you ever saw snow, or you still haven't.
19..'Down South' means
20..You think
21..Flip-flops are everyday wear.
22..Shoes are for business meetings and church,
23..but you HAVE worn flip flops to church before.
24..Sweet tea can be served at any meal.
25..An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.
26..You smirk when a game show's 'Grand Prize' is a trip or cruise to
27..You measure distance in minutes.
28..You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.
29..You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.
30..A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
32. .You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.
33..You know the four seasons really are: hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer
34..It's not soda, cola, or pop. it's coke, regardless of brand or flavor, 'What kinda coke you want?'
35..Anything under 95 is just warm.
36..You've hosted a hurricane party.
37..You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides. (
38..You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches and fire ants.
39..You can pronounce Okeechobee,
40..You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.
41..Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include: various fish, NRA, NASCAR, Go Gators, and a confederate flag.
42..You were 5 before you realized they made houses without pools.
43..You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.
44..You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.
45..You recognize Miami-Dade as ' Northern Cuba ' and
46..You not only forward this but you understand it!!
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Admit Nothing
A father received a good lesson in child psychology one day when he saw his five-year- old son roughly jerking their toy poodle's leash.
Suddenly his fuming father appeared and asked, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?"
"I don't know how much you saw!" stammered the young boy.
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"New Apartment"
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
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CleanQuote
"A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem."
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Illustration - "Frustration"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The minister stormed into the vestry and flung his sermon notes on the table. "Today," he shouted to the church officer, "I have preached to a congregation of jackasses!"
The Church officer nodded, "So that was why you kept calling them 'beloved brethren.'"
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Last Wishes
A woman was talking to her friends about her husband who mad passed away.
When her husband was on his death bed, and he told her that he had
three envelopes in his desk drawer that would "take care" of all of
the arrangements. Well, he died shortly thereafter, so the wife
opened the drawer and there were 3 envelopes just like he said.
One the first envelope it said "for the casket". There was $5,000.00
in the envelope, so she bought him a very nice casket.
The second envelope said "for the expenses" and had $4,000.00 in it
so she paid all the bills from the funeral.
The third envelope said "for the stone" and had $3,000.00 in it. She
then held her hand out to her friends and said, "Isn't it beautiful!!!"
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A Terrible Night
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most
frightful manner. The streets were deserted, and the local
baker was just about to close up shop when a little man
slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown
inside out, and he was bundled in two sweaters and a thick
coat. But even so, he still looked wet and bedraggled.
As he unwound his scarf, he said to the baker, "May I have
two bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one
for Bernice."
"Bernice is your wife?" asked the baker.
"What do you think?" snapped the little man. "My mother
would never send me out on a night like this!"
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Police Emergency
This is the true story of George Phillips of
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"