hUMOR For Aug 18th

Incredibly Dumb

- AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

- Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

- An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

- A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

- A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

- Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

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Cat Rules

- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

- Anything not nailed down is a cat toy. Anything which can be pried up isn't sufficiently nailed down.

- At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

- Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

- Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.

- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

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Math Problems

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

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Drugs or Booze

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!"

Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"

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"More bad news for air travelers. Earlier today, U.S. Air-

ways began charging passengers on its flights for water.

Even worse, the oxygen masks are now coin-operated."

-Conan O'Brien

***

"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL

CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm

not afraid of small children." --Jonathan Katz

***

"I fell in love once, and I thought she fell in love with me

too. Are you familiar with the situation? I sat with an en-

gagement ring, waiting for an answer. I was a single guy with

an engagement ring. It was like having a loaded gun laying

around the house. I was frightened I'd marry somebody by ac-

cident." -Jake Johannsen

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Police officers in Brockton, Mass received a call regarding

an injured animal lying on a street corner. When they arrived

at the scene they found a dog that had been hit by a car. But

according to the local newspaper, the police report stated

that the dog was okay and "refused medical treatment."

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A very elderly gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed,

great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly

of after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks

into an upscale cocktail lounge.

To his delight, seated at the bar is an elderly looking

lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her,

orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So

tell me, do I come here often?"

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Earnest Prayer

A little boy had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.

"Good!" said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said the little boy. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

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Exercise

"Don't swallow these pills," the doctor said, The doctor handed her
overweight patient a bottle of pills. "Instead, spill them on the
floor three times a day and pick them up one by one.

///

Couple wed on wings of biplanes

CIRENCESTER, England (UPI) -- A British couple said they exchanged their wedding vows 1,000 feet above ground while standing on the wings of biplanes.

Darren McWalters, 24, and Katie Hodgson, 23, stood on the wings of two identical planes flying side by side while Rev. George Bringham flew ahead of them on the wing of a third plane, The Times of London reported Wednesday.

Wedding guests listened to the exchange of vows via loudspeakers at Rendcomb Airfield, near Cirencester, England.

"We got engaged in the Brazilian rain forest and I wanted a wedding blessing that would top my proposal," McWalters told The Times. "It was unbelievable. Looking down and seeing my family and friends below was just incredible. I'm lost for words."

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Big Bite

During dinner the father said to his son, "Mike if I see you

take another bite like that you will leave the table."

After swallowing that mouth full the son said, "Pop, another

bite like that I will be finished!"