Friday, May 13, 2005

hUMOR For May 13th

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An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day." Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day." Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars. Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!" "Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour." Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire. Sadly, I received it also......
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Price Reduction

Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six
dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price
will be only $5.50."

From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you
really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
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While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face.
As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern.
"Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating your parking space now?"
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Here is today's CleanPun.
Two mice met behind a toaster in a Columbia, Maryland household.
"It's been a long time." the first said. "How's everything?"
"Great!" the second replied. "I have three brothers in pharmaceutical testing and a sister in heart research."
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My daughter's third-grade teacher had assigned the children
to write a story titled "My Biggest Surprise."

Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina's
work. It read: "I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy
and Daddy's bed and hopped in. But it wasn't Mommy at all.
It was Mrs. Del Campo!"

What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs.
Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I
took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.
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Jill received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.
"Is this some kind of mistake?" Jill asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Jill, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."
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A Southern Baptist minister decided that a visual
demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm wa! s put into a jar of cigarette
smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported
the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you
learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand
and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat
chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Don't you just love little old ladies????
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We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time
to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a
culture that values home,family, country and God. If
I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten
my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to
back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit --
that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of
those.

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to
be offended by the phrase, "One nation,under God"

You might be a redneck if: You've never protested
about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public
places.

You might be a redneck if: You still say "Christmas"
instead of "Winter Festival."

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when
someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your
hand over your heart when they play the National
Anthem.

You might be a redneck if: You treat Viet Nam & Desert
Storm vets with great respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an
American flag.

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe
and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is
listening.

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and
expect your kids to do the same.

You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar
to a friend.

If you got this email from me, it is because I believe
that you, like me, have just enough Red Neck in you to
have the same beliefs as those talked about in this
email.

God Bless the USA!