A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush
restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady
swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to
drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since."
"My goodness!" says the wife. "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That Thing Over There
by Robert Byron
My wife and I were sitting in the pool with our six-year-old son when he
said, "Let's play 'I Spy.'"
"Okay," I said. "I spy something blue."
"The sky," he said.
"That's right. Now it's your turn."
He stood up in the pool and began looking around for something to describe.
He was looking dead at an object when he said, I spy something red."
I peered in the direction of where he had so intently been looking but I
failed to see anything red. "It must be that red thing over there," I
blurted out in jest.
"You mean the one between the two houses?" he inquired.
Surprised that he had given me the location of the object, I replied with,
"Yes. That's the one."
With jubilance he yelled, "That's right! It's your turn Daddy."
His mother rolled her eyes.
"I spy something black," I said.
"The roof?"
I hadn't really thought of anything specific when I said that I has spied
something black, but knowing that the roof was black I told my son, "Yes
that's it. It's your turn."
He scanned the yard for his next item to describe. "I see something white."
I didn't even try to look up from the pool when I said, "You mean that white
thing over there?"
"The one by the pond?"
"Yes. That's the one."
"Yes Daddy! That's it! Daddy, you are really good at this game!"
My wife spoke up. "Okay! that's enough. Daddy is cheating!"
Our son stood up for me. "No he's not."
"How could you say that I'm cheating?" I grinned.
My wife proceeded to explain my secret to our son. He turned to look at me,
grinned and splashed water in my face.
"Okay," I said. It's my turn. I spy something green."
My son giggled as he replied, "You mean that green thing over there?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Mowing the Lawn"
I was trying to mow the lawn before my husband got home from work, but our electric lawn mower refused to cooperate. It would run fine for a few seconds, then cut off, run again, cut off. Finally, I gave up and waited for my husband.
He had a good laugh when he diagnosed the problem. Instead of plugging in the mower using a three-prong adapter, I had hooked up the cord through the Christmas-tree light blinker.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Hypochondriacs are sick."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Betty
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Cattle thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Theodore Roosevelt on Immigration --
"In the first place, we should insist that if the
immigrant who comes here in good faith, becomes an
American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be
treated on an exact equality with everyone else for it
is an outrage to discriminate against any such man
because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this
is predicated upon the person's becoming in every
facet an American, and nothing but an American...
There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who
says he is an American, but something else also, isn't
an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the
American flag... We have room for but one language
here, and that is the English language... and we have
room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to
the American people." Theodore Roosevelt 1907??
******************************************************
From GCFL: Sports Fanatic
My son is a sports fanatic and he has well-worn
T-shirts, caps, and sweatshirts from every local team.
One night, we were getting ready for an annual
fund-raiser for our local theater organization.
My wife called out to my son, "This is a pretty fancy
dinner. You'll have to wear a sports jacket."
My son answered, "Which team?"
******************************************************
Let's give the Last Laugh to my friend and
fellow-poet, LBS -- Jokes
"The police get carried away with those uniforms. I
got a ticket for jaywalking and I was petrified. This
policeman comes up to me. He has this great big
helmet, black boots, sunglasses and the belt with all
the stuff hanging off it. He says, 'Excuse me, little
lady. Did you know you crossed against the light?' I
had this terrible desire to say, 'No, do you know that
you look like one of the Village People?'" --Rita
Rudner
***
"U.S. educators are reeling from the low math and
science test scores of American students. We bombed in
history, too. Over 90 percent of high school students
think BC means Before Cable." --Argus Hamilton
***
Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the
organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in
the garage.
Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and
"Hearse."
***
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History
were marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them
asked the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur
bones are?"
The guard replied, "They are 3 million, four years,
and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist.
"How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answered, "Well, the dinosaur bones were
three million years old when I started working here,
and that was four and a half years ago."
***
A burglar went to the bank and pointed a gun on the
cashier and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll
be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed nervously, "You mean HISTORY,
right?"
The burglar snapped back, "Don't change the subject!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Getting Old Is Not For Sissies!
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising... I decided to
take
an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and
down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the
class was over.
------------------------------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is
the
best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
------------------------------------------
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
------------------------------------------
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
-------------------------------------------
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,"Doc, I want my
sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is
all in your head?"
"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it
lowered!
-------------------------------------------
An elderly woman from Brooklyndecided to prepare her will and make her
final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First,
she
wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.
-------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost
me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
" Twelve thirty."
-------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
young woman on his arm
.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really
doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur.
Be
careful'"
-------------------------------------------
And last my favorite
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new
knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have
poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember
if
I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have
my
driver's license!
Have A Great Day!
Be Thankful for what you have left!