NEW FATHERS

NEW FATHERS
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived, and announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said, with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while, and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence" he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he could barely reply.
"Don't tell me, another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase, over and over again. "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up" ... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up"
... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up" ...

An old favorite:

An old favorite:
While walking along the sidewalk in front of the church building, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the Sonnn.........and into the hole he gooooes."

Remember these?

Remember these?
Are you old enough to remember these roadside messages?
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
**Burma-Shave**
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
**Burma-Shave**
BROTHER SPEEDERS
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING NURSE
**Burma-Shave**
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND LOTS MORE STEER
**Burma-Shave**
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A
WARMER HEMISPHERE
**Burma-Shave**
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
**Burma-Shave**
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY--SPLIT
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
**Burma-Shave**
PASSING CARS
WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE
MAY GET YOU A GLIMPSE
OF ETERNITY
**Burma-Shave**
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
**Burma-Shave**
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
**Burma-Shave**
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY
**Burma-Shave**
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
**Burma-Shave**
THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN
HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
There was another that I remember:
'Round the curve
Car was whizzin'
Fault was her'n
Funeral his'n
L.B.S.

A Collection of hUMOR

SETTING CLOCKS
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained.
"Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said.
"All this time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle."
THE QUARTER
A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game, he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What do you mean?"
"All they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back!
Get the quarter back!"
HELPFUL BABY
It was one of the worst days of my life: The washing machine broke down, the telephone kept ringing, my head ached, and the mail carrier brought a bill I had no money to pay.
Almost to the breaking point, I lifted my one-year-old into his high chair, leaned my head against the tray, and began to cry. Without a word, my son took his pacifier out of his mouth and stuck it in mine.

*Answering Machine Messages*

*Answering Machine Messages*
Hi.  This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.  If you are my parents, please send money.  If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.  If you are my friends, you owe me money.  If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.
Hi.  John's answering machine is broken.  This is the refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, you are talking to a machine.  I am capable of receiving messages.  My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.  They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken.  If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device.  After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi.  I am probably home.  I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.  Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is George.  I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.  Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.  Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Please leave a message.  However, you have the right to remain silent.  Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.