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Grandma Thanks
A grandmother was headed out the door to go to church one Sunday when she got a call from her daughter. 'Would Grandma like to have her three little grandchildren visit while her daughter and son-in-law took a five-day holiday trip?' Grandma was so delighted she put five dollars in the collection basket at church and thanked the Lord.
The Sunday after the grandchildren had returned home, she put twenty dollars in the collection.
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Everyone is a fool for at least five minutes each day. Wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit."
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A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative
client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized."
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The temperature had taken an overnight plunge, and Minnesota reaffirmed its reputation as one of the nation's coldest states. Despite a wind-chill of minus 40, the steelworkers erecting a TV tower in a Minneapolis, St. Paul suburb, showed up for work. By 9 A.M., a tall Texan climbed down from the tower and entered the office trailer. He took his lunch pail from the shelf and headed for the door.
"What's up?" the foreman asked. "You sick?"
"Nope," the Texan replied. "Goin' home to get my jacket."
"Where's home?" the foreman persisted.
"Dallas," he said.
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Daffynitions
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves
Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries
to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a
mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put
together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a
living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his
bag was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-u-doks\: Two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top
of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.
Primate \pri'-mat\: Removing your spouse from in
front of the TV.
Relief \ree-leef'\: What trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your
wife.
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: Describes 200 pounds in a
size two.
Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store
does.
Subdued \sub-dood'\: A guy, that works on one of those submarines. Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official
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Good System
When white men discovered this country, Indians were
running it. No Taxes. No Debt. Women did most of the
work. Indian men hunted and fished all the time!
White men were dumb enough to think they could improve
a system like that.
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Speeding Farmer
After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state
trooper started to lecture him about his speed,
pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any
better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?" The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies." The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse." The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?" "Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that." "That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
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Coo Coo
In the trenches of the First World War a load of
troops are hemmed in by the Germans and they're
awaiting orders via a carrier pigeon.
They see the pigeon approaching with a message and
then the pigeon falls from the sky.
The Captain then asks for a volunteer to go and get
the message from the pigeon--nobody steps forward
except daft Paddy. He says, "I'll go for my country".
Anyway, he crawls out of the trench and all you hear
are bullets, mortar, bombs, etc. and everyone thinks
Paddy is dead.
Two hours later Paddy arrives back into the trench and
everyone cheers for his safe return.
The Captain asks, "Did you get to the pigeon?"
Paddy says, "Yes".
The Captain says, "Did it have a message?"
Paddy says, "Yes".
The Captain says, "What was the message?"
Paddy says, "Coo! Coo!"