Votive Candles
Visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my
daughter and her children were awed by the sight.
The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my
daughter asked if they'd each like to light one - which they did. She
explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks,
and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles.
"Do you have any questions?" she asked.
"No," said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony outside, it's mine."
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"Prescription Worries"
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
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Oneliner
"Nutrition Facts are too depressing - how about some Nutrition Fiction?"
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"Texas Banter"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
When I attended a convention once of oil men, the first speaker was from Texas. He rambled on about nonsense for a good half hour and then introduced the next gent, who happened to be from Oklahoma. The Texan ended his introduction with, "Now I give you Mr. Murcer from Oklahoma, an outlying province of Texas."
With that, Mr. Murcer began his speech, "Thank you, Mr. Smithson, but, just to set the record straight. There ain't no state that can out-lie Texas."
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I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I
got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start
exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired
for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class
was over.
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A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do
you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter
asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
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The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own
Easter eggs.
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to
the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your
husband?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied. "Two years older than I am."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"
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I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, and new knees. Fought prostate cancer and
diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a
jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me
dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with
dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and
feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all
my friends. But, thankfully, I still have my driver's
license.
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An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her
preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why
Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week."
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My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's
not as sharp as it used to be.
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Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
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"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for
Christmas." - Johnny Carson
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The following comes from Anthony’s Air Force but somehow sounds strangely familiar.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.
The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the gripe sheet what remedial action was taken. The pilot then previews the form before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and solutions recorded by the engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot S = the solution and action taken by the mechanics)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on backorder
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground
P: Evidence of leak on main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed
P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to a more believable level
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That is what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you are right
P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search!
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics
P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed
P: Noise coming out from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.