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Multiple Listings
In the world of Real Estate, there are some pretty strange things on the
printouts from our local Multiple Listings Service -- descriptions of
properties for sale in our area. A typo here, missed punctuation there or
just plain bad phrasing can change the entire meaning of a 'sales pitch'.
Here are some examples:
"Three bedroom one bath fireplace."
"Room for horses, cowchickens."
"Back of home faces eighteen home championship golf course."
"New art-deco bath & more. Near everything. Kitchen curtains do not say."
"House backs up to one year round creek." (Big creek!)
"Walkin pantry." (Where's it walkin' to?)
"Country home with 2nd unit. Horse set up extra garage." (That's one SMART
horse!)
"Five bedroom septic. Owners anxious." (I bet!)
"Septic built for granny." (What a nice family.)
"Huge veranda for those balby summer evenings." (Love those balby evenings,
don't you?)
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Stain Glass
An area pastor tells of his first Sunday in the new parish and presenting the children's message. Seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called of God to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.
And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."
It took a few moments before he realize why everyone was laughing so hard.
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"Never use a humongous word where a diminutive one will suffice."
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Frisbee Pun
The other day I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees get bigger and bigger the closer they get.
Then it hit me.
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An IRS agent stepped into a synagogue looking for the rabbi. "Rabbi," he said when he found him," do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?"
"Well, yes, I do," said the rabbi.
"Is he a member of your congregation?" asked the agent.
"Uh, yes, he is," said the rabbi, "why do you ask?"
"I'm from the IRS. Can you tell me something? Did he make
the $100,000 donation to the synagogue, that he claimed on
his tax return?" asked the IRS agent.
"I would have to check our records," replied the rabbi, "but
if he hasn't, I can assure you that he will!"
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Woman wants to be
six again
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the
morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and
early and off they went to a local theme park. What a
day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death
Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear -
everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she
staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and
her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they
went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along
with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars
epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What
a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with
her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over
and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like
being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant
my dress size." The moral of this story is: If a
woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will
still get it wrong.
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Two little kids are in a hospital lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you in for?" The first kid says, "a circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"