Fifty-Fifty
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He noticed that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn using the teeth."
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A New Kind of Car
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?"one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years to life."
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The Many Uses of Coca-Cola
1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident. 2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days. 3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coke into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. 4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china. 5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola. 6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion. 7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes. 8. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy. 9. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield. FYI: 1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It's pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. 2. To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials. 3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Drink up!
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Can I Help?
One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking." The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."
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A new senate page was reporting for duty on Capitol Hill in Washington. The
department head who was giving him his instructions said, "You must
remember the telephone number here. If you are ever calling from an outside
line you must dial Capitol 4-3121." Then, noticing the puzzled look on the
page's face, he said, "What's the matter? You look as though you don't
understand."
"Oh, nothing's the matter," the page said. "I just don't know how to dial a
capital four."
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Tiring of the same old buzz cut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New
Jersey, I went into town to get my haircut. The hairdresser noticed my
accent and asked where I was from. "Trinidad," I said.
"Is that in Arabia?"
"The Caribbean."
She laughed, "Sorry, I never was very good at geometry."
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"To err is dysfunctional, to forgive co-dependent." - Berton Averre
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Danny Boy went to a psychiatrist
" I got problems. Ever time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do ya charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor." "I'll sleep on it," said Danny Boy. Six months later the doctor met Danny Boy on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is an awful lotta money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new used pick-em-up truck!" "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me ta cut the legs off the bed! - Tain't nobody under there now !!!"
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First SaluteThe first salute received by a freshly commissioned Second Lieutenant is always significant. It's symbolizes authority and prestige.When I pinned on my new Air Force gold bars and stepped out to face the world, I encountered a staff sergeant.He gave me a snappy salute and said, "Good morning, Lieutenant. Your hat is on backwards, sir."
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"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."
--Joseph Heller
***
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are
good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you
are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey
***
"Some folks are wise and some are otherwise." --Tobias
George Smolett
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A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three
sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest
boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the
youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty
of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and
drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17,
making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the
second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got
one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle,
having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove
home.
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A visitor to New York rushed from the airport into a waiting
taxi, trying to keep dry in the heavy downpour.
"Can you think of anything worse," grumbled the visitor,
"than raining cats and dogs in New York?"
"Sure," said the cab driver. "Hailing taxis!"
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Church Bulletin Bloopers
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.
"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last
bulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to
read '12 noon.' "
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to
participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a
minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will
include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday
night.
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person
is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a
covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.
The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field
trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional
volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato
chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.
Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp.
We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for
sale, in good running order.