It All Comes Back Around
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a driver's license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
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"For sale," read the ad in our hospital's weekly newsletter,
"sleeveless wedding gown, white, size 8, veil included. Worn
once, by mistake."
***
When hiring new staff at the public library, I always ask
applicants what sort of supervision they'd be most com-
fortable with. One genius answered, "I've always thought
Superman's X-ray vision would be cool."
***
My niece was thrilled to hear that a new car wash was opening
up right in her neighborhood. "How convenient," she said. "I
can walk to it!"
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A 93-year-old woman and a 100-year-old man have become the
world's oldest newlyweds. After a brief honeymoon, they plan
to reside in heaven." -Craig Ferguson
After a visit to the whore house, a man notices green lumps
on his willy, so he goes to the doctor.
"That's serious," says the doctor. "You know how wrestlers
get cauliflower ears?"
"Yes," says the man nervously.
"Well," says the doctor: "You've got brothel sprouts."
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Shaking Hands
"Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands from shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot of coffee?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"