!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across asecret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room. He found adusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off the lamp a genie appearedin a puff of smoke. "For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it be sire?" The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a job that noman has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do." "Allah Ka Zam!" said the genie. "You're a housewife!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and mygirlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got somepopcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were beingshown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, andgave my girlfriend a kiss. Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Analogies and Metaphors These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. - John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. - He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. - Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that hadbeen left out so long, it had rusted shut. - Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. - The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan justmight work. - The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. - He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duckthat was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something. - The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her,like a dog at a fire hydrant. - It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools. - He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were agarbage truck backing up. - Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. - She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. - Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper faxmachine that needed a band tightening. - It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.****************** *Here is today's Oneliner.* "As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it, or leave it."- Buddy Hackett
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Here is today's CleanPun. - HMO Plans* "The majority of HMO plans I've seen can be likened to hospital gowns-- you only think you're covered."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Christmas Turkey One year at Christmas, mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, then re-stuffed the turkey. She placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Money.... It can buy a HouseBut not a Home It can buy a BedBut not Sleep It can buy a ClockBut not Time It can buy you a BookBut not Knowledge It can buy you a PositionBut not Respect It can buy you MedicineBut not Health It can buy you BloodBut not Life It can buy you SexBut not Love So you see... money isn't everything.And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend,and as your Friend, I want to take away your pain andsuffering... So send me all your moneyAnd I will suffer for you.That's what a friend is for. Cash is fine.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!From a friend -- A new twist on an old tale... 'Twas the night before Christmas when all through thehouse,Not a peripheral was stirring, not even a mouse;The modem was hung by the keyboard with careIn hopes that a download soon would be there.The pirates were nestled all snug in their bedsWhile visions of unprotects danced in their headsAnd ma in her kerchief, and I in my cap,Had just settled down for a long winter's napWhen up on the hard drive there arose such a clatter,I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter!Away to the monitor I flew like a flashSat down at the keyboard, gave the spacebar a mash.The sight on the screen, a'flicker with snow,Gave the luster of power surge to the menu below.When what to my wondering eyes should appear,but an autoexec.bat that seemed rather queer.With a little print driver so lively and quickI knew in a moment I had seen a new trick!More rapid than eagles my cursor it came;my voice box whistled, and shouted, and called me byname."Now format, now rename, now copy, and enter!On num lock, on caps lock, on scroll lock and printer! To the top of the page, to the top of the doc,now tab it and hold it and merge it and block."As utilities that build up the CPU speedClash with just the programs I needSo up to the screen top the cursor it flewWith a RAM full of memory and an extension board too.And then, in a twinkling I heard on the speaker,The grinding of the hard drive growing much weaker.As I tried to reboot and turn it aroundThe attributes changed from blue into brown.I hit the control, the alt, the delete.The message it gave me, I cannot repeat.It asked me to ignore, retry or abort.It told me the parallel had become the comm port.It's lights how they twinkled; it's pixels how merry.It's prompts were all scrambled, like a bowl full ofcherries.It sounded just like it wanted to blow;the screen was suddenly white like the snow.It scrolled the directory before my very eyesWith programs I did not even recognize.It wouldn't see D, It wouldn't see E.I couldn't get out of B into C.Norton's tried to read it;It finally found the FAT;But alas, the disk was faulty,and could not reformat.Away flew the DBase;Away flew the DOSes;Away flew the Wordstar;Right out with the Windows.The spreadsheets were spreading;The footers were heading;What once had been memoryWas close to forgetting.When the grinding was overAnd the smoke had all cleared,I looked at the unitAnd it was just as I'd feared.The 40 Meg wonder had crashed in the night.I'll never be able to block out that sight!So tell everyone to avoid my plight....Back up! Back up! Merry Christmas, and good night! The End!!!
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Top Tips for LifeDon't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favorite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.Men: When listening to your favorite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.Ladies: If invited to a fancy party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the hostess will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards.Homeowners: Don't hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.White wine splashed onto a red wine stain will clean it up quickly. Similarly, fat splashes on clothes can be easily removed by rubbing salad onto the affected area.Drivers: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send the stranded driver on his way.