Wednesday, October 29, 2008

hUMOR For Oct 29th

If A Dog Were Your Teacher
If a dog were your teacher you would learn stuff like... - When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. - Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. - Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. - When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience. - Let others know when they've invaded your territory. - Take naps and stretch before rising. - Run, romp, and play daily. - Thrive on attention and let people touch you. - Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do. - On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. - On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree. - When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. - No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends. - Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. - Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. - Be loyal. - Never pretend to be something you're not. - If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. - When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

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Accountability Partner

A man was walking through the grounds of a university one morning when he noticed a young blind woman struggling with her guide-dog. The animal was resolutely pulling in one direction, she in another.
When he offered assistance, the woman replied, "No thanks, this is a family argument. The dog knows I'm supposed to go to a lecture right now -- but I want to miss it."

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"Political Quotes"
"I resent your insinuendoes."
"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."
"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."
"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."
"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility."
"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."
"If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."
"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."
"Let's do this in one foul swoop."
"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."
"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
"I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks."
"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."
"I hate to confuse myself with the facts."
"We have a permanent plan for the time being."
"Family planning has many misconceptions."
"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."
"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."
"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."
"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."
"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."
"In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."

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CleanQuote
"An election is coming. Universal peace is declared and the foxes have a sincere interest in prolonging the lives of the poultry."- T.S. Eliot

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Illustration - "Kindness" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.
"How much is an ice cream sundae?"
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his handout of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it. "How much is a dish of plain ice cream?" he inquired.
Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely.
The little boy again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away.
The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed.
When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies -- her tip.

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Newborn UtteranceThe birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way.Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic.Instead he asked, "What did we decide to call her again?"

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"If you want to stay healthy... there was this guy in Hong
Kong, 107-year-old guy in Hong Kong. He attributes his
longevity to abstaining from sex since he was 30. Man, I'm
gonna live a long, long time." -Craig Ferguson

***

"Some insurance companies won't pay for Viagra unless men
can prove that they're impotent. Which means that you are
at a disadvantage if you have a really hot pharmacist."
--Conan O'Brien

***

"My parents told me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China
and India are starving.' I tell my daughters, 'Finish your
homework. People in India and China are starving for your
job.'" --Thomas Friedman

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"What's the first thing a little girl wants when she gets a
new bike? A basket--she's prepared to shop. What's the first
thing a boy wants on his bike? A bell or horn--he's prepared
for traffic.

"What's the first toy a little girl wants? A doll--she's
prepared to shop with friends. What's the first toy a little
boy wants? A gun--he's prepared for traffic." --Jason Chase

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Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport. She's
getting a little up there. She's at the age where she
doesn't remember things too well. So when I saw her I said,
"Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!"

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Paul Newman

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small
new England town where Paul Newman and his family often
visited.

One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long
walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat
herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped
in the car, drove to the center of the village, and went
straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.

There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman,
sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.

The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact
with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded
graciously, and the star-struck woman smiled demurely. Pull
yourself together! she chided herself. You're a happily
married woman with three children; you're forty-five years
old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order, and she
took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and
her change in the other. Then she went out the door,
avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. When she
reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of
change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream
cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she
went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or
in a holder on the counter or something. No ice cream cone
was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul
Newman.

His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he
said to the woman: "You put it in your purse."

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Obedience School
During break time at obedience school, two dogs were talking. One said to the other. "The thing I hate about obedience school is you learn ALL this stuff you will never use in the real world."

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Guru's Dentist
Why did the guru refuse Novocaine when he went to his dentist? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

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Guru's Dentist
Why did the guru refuse Novocaine when he went to his dentist? He wanted to transcend dental medication.