A couple

A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explaining to the tazi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"*************************While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jason and his wife, Maureen, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. "He addressed the men, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Jason leaned over, touched Maureen's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?" And thus began Jason's life of celibacy*****************KEYS LOCKED IN THE CAR Some folks went to their local car dealer to pick up their new car.Unfortunately, as they arrived, they were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in the car. A mechanic was working feverishly to unlock the door.As the new owners looked on, one of them reached down and tried the passenger door. Wouldn't you know, it was unlocked. "Excuse me," said the new owner, "but this door is open.""Oh, I know," said the mechanic. "I already got *that* side."******************A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her why she wore the bracelet. She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs. I get hives if I eat them,"The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"The girl said, "I don't know.... I don't eat cats."*****************A policeman was on patrol when he came upon a line of cars stopped at a light with horns blasting. The light directing that lane of traffic was green. He pulled out of line and stopped alongside of the first car in line to see what the problem was. An elderly woman drove the car. He asked her why she was stopped when the light was green.She said, "Oh, because I'm on my way to my sister's house which is that way." and she pointed to the right.The motorcycle cop said, "Well go ahead! The light is green."The elderly woman responded with, "Yes I know, but the sign under the light says 'RIGHT TURN ONLY ON RED!"*********************

Creative Accounting A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

An old fellow

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time.
"But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"

Isn't It Strange ?

Isn't It Strange ?

Isn't it strange how a 20 dollar bill seems like such a large amount when you donate it to church, but such a small amount when you go shopping?
Isn't it strange how 2 hours seem so long when you're at church, and how short they seem when you're watching a good movie?
Isn't it strange that you can't find a word to say when you're praying, but you have no trouble thinking what to talk about with a friend?
Isn't it strange how difficult and boring it is to read one chapter of the Bible, but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a popular novel?
Isn't it strange how everyone wants front-row-tickets to concerts or games, but they do whatever is possible to sit at the last row in Church?
Isn't it strange how we need to know about an event for Church 2-3 weeks before the day so we can include it in our agenda, but we can adjust it for other events in the last minute?
Isn't it strange how difficult it is to learn a fact about God to share it with others, but how easy it is to learn, understand, extend and repeat gossip?
Isn't it strange how we believe everything that magazines and newspapers say, but we question the words in the Bible?
Isn't it strange how everyone wants a place in heaven, but they don't want to believe, do, or say anything to get there?

Here is today's CleanPun.

Here is today's CleanPun.

What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays awake all night wondering if there is a dog.

Quiet Please

Quiet Please
My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My
ten-year-old niece answered the phone.
"Hello," she whispered.
"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked.
"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.
"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.
"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.
"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the
way?"
Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."