Tuesday, November 29, 2005

hUMOR FOR Nov. 29th

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with ablast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea.She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the newfriends he'd meet, and so on.When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and cameback home with a lot of glowing reports about school.The next morning when his mother woke him up, he asked,"What for?" She told him it was time to get ready forschool."What? Again?" he asked.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man goes to see the Pastor.
"Pastor, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Pastor asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Pastor, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Pastor then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Pastor calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Pastor replied, "Take the poison."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man goes to see the Pastor.
"Pastor, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Pastor asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Pastor, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Pastor then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Pastor calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Pastor replied, "Take the poison."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"There was once a movie entitled, "How to Irritate People." It is obviously the employee training film at my local bank."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"There was once a movie entitled, "How to Irritate People." It is obviously the employee training film at my local bank."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know you live on the Gulf Coast if...You have FEMA's number on your speed dial.You have more than 20 C and D batteries in yourkitchen drawer.Your pantry contains more than 10 cans ofSpaghetti-Os.You are thinking of repainting your house to match theplywood covering your windows.You are delighted to pay only $3 for a gallon ofunleaded.The road leading to your house has been declared a"No-wake Zone"You decide that your patio furniture looks better onthe bottom of the pool.You own more than three large coolers.You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricaneand not feel the least bit guilty about it.Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain;Today you can assemble a portable generator bycandlelight.You catch a 5-pound catfish.......in your driveway.You can recite from memory whole portions of yourhomeowners' insurance policy.At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guywith the biggest chainsaw.You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.There is a roll of tar paper in your garage. You can rattle off the names of three or moremeteorologists who work at the Weather Channel.Someone comes to your door to tell you they found yourroof.Ice is a valid topic of conversation.Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such acrazy idea.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some Puns...1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and getmarried. The ceremony wasn't much, but the receptionwas excellent. 2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a cafe. One says,"I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." 3. A jumper cable walks into a cafe. The cook says,"I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 4. A sandwich walks into an auto parts store. Theclerk says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here." 5. A man walks into a cafe with a slab of asphaltunder his arm and says, "A sandwich please, and onefor the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to theother, "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grassof Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another loving jab at blondes... :Two men were out hunting. They decided to separate toget a better chance of catching something.The first man said to the other, "If you get lost,fire three shots into the air every hour. That way Ican locate you."After about 3 hours, the second man found that he wasreally lost. He decided to fire three shots into theair as the first man had told him. He then waited anhour and did it again. He repeated this until he wasout of ammo.The next morning, the first man found the second withthe help of forest rangers. He asked the first man ifhe had done what he told him to do.The man answered, "Yes, I fired three shots into theair every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."