Hillary's BabyRunning for President on a pregnant platform...
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious - here she is in the middle of her first run for president, and as Senator of New York this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming. "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.She screams again, “Did you hear me?”Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, “Who is this?”
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We Must Stop This Immediately!Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection ... Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's regular fonts to be smaller than they once were. (They must be sneaking to my house and messing around with my computer. Probably CIA ...!!!) Pretty scary stuff, huh!?!?!
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Aches and Pains
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man. Then there was a short moment of silence. "Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.
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Little Tim's Goldfish
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat."
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Cat Poker
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
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For The Kids...
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?Kermit the Fog! What is a chameleon's motto?A change is as good as a rest! What happens if you eat a hot frog?You'll croak in no time! What do you say if you meet a toad?Wart's new! What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy? Hoppalong Cassidy!
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Star of the Euphrates
King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after
years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession
was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in
the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the
pawnbroker, to get a loan.
Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the king protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no
difference who you are."