Contractor Estimates
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.
First to step up was the
Next was the
Without so much as moving, the
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from
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Potential Company Mergers
- If Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers merge, the new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild
- Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: Poly Warner Cracker
- W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: Hale Mary Fuller Grace
- 3M and Goodyear: mmm... Good
- John Deere and Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi
- Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: Honey I'm Home
- 3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: 3 Penney Opera
- Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants: Poupon Pants
- Knott's
- Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: Zip Audi Do-Da
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Skim Milk
To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to
lower-fat foods; including skim milk. When she said her family would
only drink whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular
container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a
while, until her daughter asked, one morning, whether the milk was okay.
"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found
out. "Why do you ask?"
"Because according to the bottle," the daughter explained, "this milk
expired two years ago."
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Divorce!
An old lady goes into a lawyer's office. "I need your help in
arranging a divorce."
"A divorce? "Tell me, how old are you?"
"I'm eighty-four."
"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"
"My husband is eighty-seven."
"My, my, and how long have you been married?"
"Next September will be sixty-two years."
"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"
"Because ... enough is enough."
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Doctor, Doctor
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
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Drunk Driving Stories
Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"
"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.
The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."
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Here Come Da Judge
What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
Justice Fingers.
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Who's a Fault?
What do you call an earthquake fault?
A topographical error.
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Tech Support
Customer: "One of my friends gave me an ImageWriter printer and this keyboard. He said he gave me all the cables, but I can't figure out how to connect them. Am I missing something?"
Tech Support: "Well, a computer would help."
Customer: "You mean this keyboard isn't a word processor?"
Tech Support: "No ma'am, its just an input device."
Customer: "Then I need to buy a computer, right?"
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer: "Do you think I'll need a monitor, too?"
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Computer Instructor
Well, I had one event happen to me, where one lady had just bought a Apple IIc and complained that she was having problems with her monitor, so we told her to bring her monitor in, and we'd check it out.
So she brings her monitor in, and we plug it in, and it works without a flaw. We tell her that the monitor isn't the problem, and to bring her CPU in.
She stares at us blankly, and asks, "What's the CPU?"
Joe explains that it's the piece of equipment that all your devices plug into. So about twenty minutes later, she returns and walks in carrying the surge supressor.
When we explained to her the item that we needed her to bring in, she replied, "Oh you mean the keyboard!" (On Apple IIc's, the CPU box and keyboard are part of the same unit.)
And to make this all the more interesting, she was a gradeschool computer class instructor.
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Don't Look at the Light!
Customer: "My mouse doesn't work any more."
Tech Support: "Is it an optical or ball mouse?"
Customer: "Huh?"
Tech Support: "Does it have a ball or light?"
Customer: "It has an light on top."
Tech Support: "On top?"
Customer: "Yeah. It was underneath before, but it looks better when it's on top."
Tech Support: "Ok, try turning it around so the light points down on the desk."
Customer: "Oh! It works!"
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Horrible Addiction
I think it's a chilling reminder of my mortality, that I am never more than a few hours from that grisly implosion of a death known as starvation. No matter how much I eat, before long the cravings resurface, and the withdrawal symptoms ravage my innards.
"I am Snook Draddots," I would say, were my name actually Snook Draddots, "and I am a food addict."
It's a sad story, but it's true. I was a food baby, in fact. My mother was using when she was pregnant with me. I've been on food ever since. It's wrecked my life.
For my first fifteen years, I experienced rapid weight gain, and the digestive symptoms that persist to this day are too unpleasant to discuss. I've been unable to quit. The patch -- where you duct tape some potato salad to your arm every morning -- doesn't help at all.
One time I had a 16 hour flight across the Pacific, during which time I ate nothing that could be remotely described as food, but I fell off the wagon shortly after landing.
But enough is enough. I've come to an epiphany about just how much I've let food run my life for me, and it's time for that to stop. No more food for me.
I'm quitting food cold turkey.