As a language teacher, I usually award certificates of merit
to deserving students. One year I decided to change the
format of the certificates and use a seal stamped with my
initials.
I called a number of places to buy sealing wax, but they all
had identical reactions...a long silence followed by an
apology for not having any in stock.
On my last call there was the silence, but then the salesman
asked, "Why ceiling as opposed to floor?"
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New Employee Orientation
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a high-tech
company. During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says,
"You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money
here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat.
So don't trouble any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all
working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you;
however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you
know what happened to him?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to
the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating
Team Leaders and Project Managers so no one would notice
anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
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Those who don't know
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!
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Tree Fellers Wanted
Billy and Pa' were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted." One of them said, "Ye know, it
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Two lawyers were negotiating a case ...
Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case. “Look,” said one to the other, “let's be honest with each other.” “Okay, you first,” replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.
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CIA Job
A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."
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The 'Rules of Southern Living' are as follows!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked. 3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4 They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 goes east and west, I-75 goes north and south. Pick one. 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8 Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age or looks. 11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey. 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup!
13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish. 16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays. 17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump
crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore
than we want to see your boxers!
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Three Day SilenceMy wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!""What's the matter?" I asked."There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.""That'll teach them!" I replied.
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"The latest rumor is that Angelina Jolie threw a glass of
wine in Brad Pitt's face during an argument, and they're
thinking of splitting up. If that happens, she'll get the
kids from Asia, Europe, and Australia; he gets the kids
from Africa, South America, and Greenland." -Conan O'Brien
***
"David Beckham and Posh Spice have got a new perfume coming
out. It's called 'Intimately Beckham.' Apparently, it's a
delicate combination of anorexic breath and athlete's foot."
-Craig Ferguson
***
"On this date in 1888, Theo Van Kannel invented the revolving
door. So, you have him to thank for New York's criminal
justice system." -Dave Letterman
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My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and
marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding
what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister
asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband."
And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to
be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
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Before I could enroll in my company's medical insurance plan,
I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form
was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.
One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the
emergency room within the next three months?"
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Dancing Duck
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"Oh?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
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Where's Mommy?
One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that
his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did
Mommy go?"
In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a
Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled,
he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Daddy?"
The man had always given his son honest answers, so he
figured a simple explanation would be the best approach.
"Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of
ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious
pastime.
Then he burst out into laughter and said, "Come on, Dad!
What is it really?"