Computer Power
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
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You Still Know You're a Tech Geek When...
- When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination. - When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash. - When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines. - When you call "*.*" star-dot-star. - When you can do hexadecimal arithimatic in your head. - When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'." - When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
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Investment Counselor
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor. The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
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For The Kids...
What goes 'peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang'?A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons! What do you get if you cross a pile of mud with a pig?A groundhog! How do you take a pig to hospital?By hambulance! What do you call a joke book for chickens?A yolk book!
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My Protestant clergy friend was speaking with a Catholic priest and wanted
to make a solid friendship. He spoke of many things and felt it was going
well, but when he asked if the priest's dad had been a priest, the
conversation was over.
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Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As
he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him
and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.
"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather
won't turn bad on us."
Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!
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Cholesterophobia: Fear of frying.
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Elderly Pre-Nups
Preparing for your last marriage...
An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.She said, “I want to keep my house.”He said, “That's fine with me.”She said, “And I want to keep my Cadillac.”He said, “That's fine with me.”She said, “And I want to have sex 6 times a week.”He said, “That's fine with me. Put me down for Fridays.”
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The Old PhoneA boy's journey with his friend, “ Information Please”
When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was “Information Please” and there was nothing she did not know.“Information Please” could supply anyone's number and the correct time.My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone!Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing.Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.“Information, please” I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.“ Information.”“I hurt my finger...” I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.“Isn't your mother home?” came the question.“Nobody's home but me,” I blubbered.“Are you bleeding?” the voice asked.“No, ” I replied. “I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.”“Can you open the icebox?” she asked. I said I could.“Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger,” said the voice.After that, I called “Information Please” for everything.I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was.She helped me with my math.She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.Then there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, “Information Please” and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child.But I was not consoled.I asked her, “Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?”She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, “Wayne, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.”Somehow I felt better.Another day I was on the telephone, “Information Please.”“ Information,” said in the now familiar voice.“How do I spell fix?” I asked.All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest.When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston.I missed my friend very much.“Information Please” belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall.As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciate now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes.I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown Operator and said, “Information Please.”Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. “ Information.”I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, “Could you please tell me how to spell fix?”There was a long pause.Then came the soft spoken answer, “I guess your finger must have healed by now?”I laughed. “So it's really you,” I said.“I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?”“I wonder,” she said, “if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls.”I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.“Please do,” she said. “Just ask for Sally.”Three months later I was back in Seattle.A different voice answered “ Information.”I asked for Sally.“Are you a friend?” she said.“Yes, a very old friend,” I answered.“I'm sorry to have to tell you this,” she said. “Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.”Before I could hang up she said, “Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne?”“ Yes,” I answered.“Well, Sally left a message for you.”“She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you. The note said, 'Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean.'”I thanked her and hung up.I knew what Sally meant...Never underestimate the impression you may make on others. Whose life have you touched today?Life is a journey, NOT a guided tour. So don't miss the ride, and have a great time going around - you don't get a second shot at it...