Drive thru Confessional
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said,"You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now." The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony." "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "Yes," replied the elderly priest, "And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."
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"Roof Leak"
Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.
Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"
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Drive thru Confessional
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said,"You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now." The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony." "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "Yes," replied the elderly priest, "And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."
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"Roof Leak"
Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.
Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"
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Lovely Girl
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the car around," he ordered. The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished. "Driver," said the major, "you'd be a total loss in an emergency." "I thought I did pretty well," the driver said. "That was my girl."
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Homework Help
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?" The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right." "That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"
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Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family." "What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding." The first asks, "What's a football wedding?" The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
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For The Kids...
What happened to the skeleton that was attacked by a dog?He ran off with some bones and didn't leave him with a leg to stand on! Where does the werewolf sit in the cinema?Anywhere he wants to! How do ghosts like their drinks?Ice ghoul! What's a skeleton's favorite pop group?Boney M!
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Price of Oranges
Mrs. Golden was shopping at a produce stand in her
neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much
are these oranges?"
"Two for a quarter," answered the vendor.
"How much is just one?" she asked.
"Fifteen cents," answered the vendor.
"Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Golden.
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"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I
hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or
contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on
that?'" - Dave Barry
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Teenagers Are Always HungryThe parents in our cycling group were discussing the subject of teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.A veteran parent of six children told us of his method for judging the true hunger of teenagers."I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli, and if they were jumping and snapping at it, I figured they were hungry enough to be fed."
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THE POSTAL SERVICE NO ONE HEARS ABOUT Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day aftershe died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talkingabout how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write aletter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her.She dictated and I wrote:
Dear God Will you please take special care of our dog, Abbey? Shedied yesterday and is in heaven. We miss her very much. We arehappy nthat you let us have her as our dog even though she gotsick. I hope that you will play with her. She liked to play withballs and swim before she got sick. I am sending some pictures ofher so that when you see her in heaven you will know she is our Love, Meredith Claire We put that in an envelope with two pictures of Abbey, and addressed it to God in Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith stuck some stamps on the front (because, asshe said, it may take lots of stamps to get a letter all the wayto heaven), and that afternoon I let her drop it into theletter box at the post office. For a few days, she would ask ifGod had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had. Yesterday there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch. Curious, I went to look at it. It had a goldstar card on the front and said "To Meredith" in an unfamiliarhand. Meredith took it in and opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers, "When a Pet Dies". Tapedto the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God,in its opened envelope. On the opposite page, one of thepictures of Abbey was taped under the words "For Meredith". We turned to the back cover, and there was the other pictureof Abbey, and this handwritten note on pink paper: "Dear Meredith, I know that you will be happy to know that Abbey arrivedsafely and soundly in Heaven! Having the pictures you sent to mewas such a big help. I recognized Abbey right away. You know, Meredith, she isn't sick anymore. Her spirit ishere with me--just like she stays in your heart--young andrunning and playing. Abbey loved being your dog, you know. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have anypockets!-- so I can't keep your beautiful letter. I am sending it toyou with the pictures so that you will have this book to keepand remember Abbey. One of my angels is taking care of this forme. I hope the little book helps. Thank you for the beautiful letter. Thank your mother for sending it. What a wonderful mother you have! I picked her especially for you. I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I am in heaven, but wherever there is love I am there also. Love, God