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When one wishes to unlock a door but has has only one hand
free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von Fumbles Law)
A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys
inside. (Yale Law of Destiny)
When one's hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your
nose will start to itch. (Law of Ichiban)
Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened.
(Insurance So Sorry Law)
When things seem to be going well, you've probably forgotten
to do something. (Cheney's Second Corollary)
When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't
followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)
If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's
probably because you have not realized the seriousness of
the problem. (Law of Gravitas)
Most problems are not created or solved; they only change
appearances. (Einstein's Law of Persistence)
You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs
up on you. (Principle of Dingaling)
Whenever you connect with the Internet, the call you've been
waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)
If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your
time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of
Wasteland)
The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is
exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law
of Pi Eyed)
The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is
directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of
Campbell Scoop)
Each and every body submerged in a bathtub will cause the
phone to ring. (Law of Yes Now)
Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the
doorbell to ring. (Law of Ding Dong)
Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of
one's hairdo. (The Don King Principle)
After discarding something not used for years, you will need
it one week later. (Law of Fatal Irreversibility)
Arriving early for an appointment will cause the
receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone
else has arrived before you. (Law of Delay)
Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you
won't come out alive anyway. (Theory of Absolute Certainty)
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'TWAS THE MONTH AFTER CHRISTMAS
'Twas the month after Christmas
and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibble, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I go on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (Less a walk than a lumber),
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely Tared,
The wine and rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never say, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt,
I said to myself: as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So-away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'til all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie-not even a lick;
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or com bread or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all
and to all a good diet!
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Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I realize the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the driveway is flooded, the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, there is still only one check in my check book,
I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
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Dentist Bill
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm
shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."
"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared
away two other patients."