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Quarterback
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the
experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then
for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
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A FEW WORDS FROM THE VISIONARY STEVEN
WRIGHT:
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me
before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some
people have.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense
to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off
now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't
have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a
job.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her
friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets
pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard
disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling
out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence
that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving
definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite
criticism.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is
required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the
softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal
from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have
to catch up. (this is one of my long time favorites.
LBS.)
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.
Change is inevitable.... except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a
couple of payments.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of
checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it
back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the
spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts
feel so good.
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The Details...
Resist the temptation to get overwhelmed with the
details of life. Refuse to be intimidated by what
may seem like insurmountable pressures. Keep in mind
that I am with you to enable you to accomplish all
that I have set before you. Move forward with a
steady pace and with confidence and boldness that what
I have called you to do, I am well able to perform
through you. Do not be afraid.
"I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He
is able to keep what I have committed to Him until
that Day." II Timothy 1:12b
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EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth
closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click
on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests
it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the
opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when Gabe slammed the door, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot. Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost: "I can't. You know the law: I can't retail spirits after 2:00 AM."
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Ash Request
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Department and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything including me."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Recession
I'm writing a book about the recession. It starts with Chapter 11.