Walking the Brick
A police man on duty saw a man with a brick on a leash. Being the man that he was he went over and said, "Nice dog you've got there."
The man replied, "It's not a dog, it's a brick, dummy!"
The policeman said "I'm really sorry for wasting your time" feeling embarrassed and strolled away quickly.
When the policeman was out of sight the man bent down and whispered to the brick: "Got him there didn't we Rover?"
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Don't Mess With Southerners
Two businessmen in
break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't
ready - only a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is
going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what
we're selling."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough,
a curious southerner walks to the window, has a peek, and in
a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin' here?"
One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling idiots here."
Without skipping a beat, the southern gentleman says, "Well,
I see y'all're doing really good. You only got two left!"
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"According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell
their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you
tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will
tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent
of the men aren't listening anyway." -Jay Leno
***
"I have just two superstitions. One, don't call someone a
bad name if they have a loaded pistol. Two, don't call your
girl friend Tina if her name is Vivian."
--Basketball player George Underwood
[And I can appreciate both of those!]
***
"As if we don't have enough problems. Fifteen different pre-
scription drugs in our drinking water. Fifteen! Honest to
God, you need a doctor's prescription to turn on the faucet."
-David Letterman
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It was just another day at the DMV. I had taken a woman out
on her driving test when a police cruiser came up behind
us--sirens wailing, lights flashing.
"Was I speeding?" she asked the officer, after both cars
pulled over.
"No," said the officer. "But you are driving a stolen
vehicle."
Smiling awkwardly, the woman turned to me. "Does this mean
I failed my test?"
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While carpenters were working outside the old house I had
just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had
just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen
asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly
scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a
quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."
"It's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."
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"Engine Trouble"
A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern
"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."
The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"
"I-75, two miles south of Standish."
A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"
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Communication
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when
the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great
relationship," the wife explained.
"He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.
He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."
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Misfortune
After the sermon was over, one member of the congregation had lingered after the other members had shook hands with the minister on their way out. The minister recognized the young man as one whom he had married a couple of months before.
As the young man shook hands with the minister, he asked, "Reverend, do you believe someone should profit from the mistakes of others?"
"Certainly not," replied the preacher.
"Well, in that case, could I have the $50 back that I gave you for marrying me?"
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Retired Preacher
A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him.
The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.
Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"
The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"
The kid said, "Yep."
"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.
The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."
The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."
With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."
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New Sport
First man: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer.
Second man: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests at heart. Did she make any suggestions?
First man: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you play this Russian Roulette?
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Differences Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
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Teasing
My grandson, Justus, age 10, and his sister Taylor, age 13,
were always teasing each other. One day, Justus was getting
"sensitive" about things his sister was saying to him. I
reminded him that he had said the same types of things many
times in days past.
With quiet reflection, he spoke a gospel truth: "But it
doesn't hurt as much coming out of my mouth as it does going
into my ears."