Toastmaster AdviceWhen you know it’s time to stop growing...
A speaker at a luncheon gave a tremendous talk and received a standing ovation. The President of the Toastmasters club was so impressed that he said to the speaker, “Everyone here is enthused. Won’t you please say a few words since we have ten minutes left of our regular time?”The speaker said, “Once there was a little baby cabbage who said to his mother, ‘Mommy, I’m worried about something. As I sit in this row of cabbages and grow and grow day after day, how will I know when to stop growing?’ ‘The rule to follow,’ said the mamma cabbage, ‘is to quit when you are a head.’ ”
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Can’t Judge A Book By Its CoverWhen you’re tire-d of changing nuts at the mental asylum…
A man was driving down the road when his tire blew out and he had to pull over to the side of the road. Turned out he was right in front of the local mental asylum.He got out of the car, jacked it up off the ground, and removed the bad tire. He put the lug nuts in a paper coffee cup so he wouldn’t lose them, but when he stood up he accidentally kicked the cup over and the lug nuts rolled into a nearby culvert.Unable to pry up the culvert cover, the man lamented to himself, “Darn, what am I gonna do now?”Just then a resident of the asylum, who had witnessed the whole episode, said, “Hey mister, why not just take a lug nut off each of the other three tires and put those nuts on your spare?”The man, amazed, said, “That was brilliant. Why the heck are you in there?”The patient replied, “I’m in here because I’m crazy… not stupid.”
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Little Johnny's First MillionWrite short prose in school…How Little Johnny prepares for a life of leisure!
The teacher asked her students to write an essay, explaining what they would do if they each had $1 million. Every student except Little Johnny began writing. He sat in his chair twiddling his thumbs.At the end of the class the teacher collected the papers. Little Johnny turned in a blank sheet.“What is the meaning of this?” the teacher asked. “All the others have written two pages or more, but you've done nothing!”“Well, replied Little Johnny, “if I had that much money, that's exactly what I'd do - nothing.”
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"Paper Eater"
A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, “I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning.”
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister.”
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CleanQuote
"This boy's making more noise than a couple of skeletons throwing a fit on a tin roof."- Foghorn Leghorn
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"Imagination" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I was making Play-Doh animals with my four-year-old niece, Chris, and her three-year-old brother, Neil. While Chris was clearly molding a crude but recognizable dog, figuring what Neil was making was a bit more challenging. "It's a cat," he told me, "but a truck ran over it."
Some time later, Chris had made another simple animal shape, but Neil had a rather flat slab of dough on the table in front of him.
"What happened to this animal?" I asked.
Neil shrugged and said simply, "Same truck."
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"For the first time ever there is now scientific proof that
air travel can increase the spread of viruses. So now we
may be able to stop the spread of some things, like bird
flu. Does this mean I can no longer take my chicken on
board? How can I now travel with my livestock?" --Jay Leno
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"Scientists have figured out a way to make mice give birth
to rats. Finally a solution to our rat shortage!"
--Dave Letterman
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"Actor George Clooney addressed the United Nations today.
Luckily there were translators on site that understand how
to speak 'handsome'." --Conan O'Brien
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After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED
they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with
the responsibility.
One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times
do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked
after it?"
After a moment, her 5-year-old son replied quizzically,
"Er.... Once?"
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"What is that sound?" a woman asked at our nature center.
"It's the frogs trilling for a mate," Patti, the naturalist,
explained. "We have a pair in the science room. But since
they've been together for so long, they no longer sing to
each other."
The woman nodded sympathetically, "The trill is gone."
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Helpful Home Depot AssociatesWhile shopping with my wife at Home Depot, we decided to split up to pick up separate items. She went off to electrical cords and power strips, and I was off to plumbing. After I was done I needed to find her so I went back to the electrical cords/power strips section. Some items caught my eye and I began to browse. A helpful Home Depot Associate came along. Here's the conversation:HDA: Can I help you find anything?Me: No, I'm good, thanks. Wait - do you know where I can find my wife?HDA: Is she carrying an extension cord?Me: Yes.HDA: Next aisle sir.I went to the next aisle and there she was.
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Car Sale
Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of
problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles.
One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at
a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to
make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the
car."
"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend
of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and
he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles.
Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic.
Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your
car?"
"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles
on it!"