Sunday, March 16, 2008

hUMOR For March16th

Laws of Work

- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

- The more of it you put up with, the more of it you're going to get.

- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.

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The 6 Truths of Life:

1. You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. The first “truth” is a lie.

4.You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to other idiots.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Sorry about all this but . . . I'm an idiot and I’m getting lonely.

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A Biker's Story

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter from the Berkeley Free Press newspaper has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle group are you with and what do you ride?"

"Christian U.S. Marine Corps Harley Riders."

The journalist leaves.


The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it, indeed, contained the news of his actions, and read on front page headline:

RELIGIOIUS FANATIC BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT - STEALS HIS LUNCH.

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"If you enjoy your alcohol, remember this: If you put your

old, rotten liver under your pillow, the Beer Fairy will

leave you a keg." --Paul Tomkins

***

"The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you

should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid

with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is

absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person."

-P. J. O'Rourke

***

"More Americans can name the three stooges than the three

branches of government. Well, that's because the three

stooges are more likely to get something done."

-David Letterman

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The following conversation took place one morning between a

wife and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government

cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it

looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim

down the military forces. They are going to retire six over-

aged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear your

mother will be out of work."

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Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But

the initials really have been changed to stand for "What

would Jesus drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth

because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the

Garden of Eden in a Fury."

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a

Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies

with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses'

followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the

Ram's horn sounds a long blast."

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't

like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St.

John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not

speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced

by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph

is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler:

"Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." And,

following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda...

"The Apostles were in one Accord."

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Adopted Twins

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

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Van Gogh's Family Tree

- His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh
- The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh
- The brother who worked at a convenience store - Stop an Gogh
- The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh
- The cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh
- His magician uncle - Where-diddy Gogh
- His Mexican cousin - A mee Gogh
- The Mexican cousin's American half-brother - Ring Gogh
- The nephew who drove a stage coach - Wells-far Gogh
- The constipated uncle - Cant Gogh
- The ballroom dancing aunt - Tang Gogh
- The bird lover uncle - Flaming Gogh
- His nephew psychoanalyst - E Gogh
- The fruit loving cousin - Man Gogh
- An aunt who taught positive thinking - Way-to Gogh
- The little bouncy nephew - Poe Gogh
- A sister who loved disco - Go Gogh
- And his niece who traveled the country in a van - Winnie Bay Gogh

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That Darned Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that darned cat on the phone. I'm lost and need directions!"

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A Poem for Women

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and SMACKED him...
Like his Mother used to do.

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A Thoughtful Teacher

After school one day, a young first-grade boy was sitting at

the kitchen table, eating his afternoon snack, when he

blurted out, "Mom, the teacher was asking me today if I have

any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."

The boy's mother replied, "That's nice of her to take such

an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you

are an only child?"

She just said, "Thank goodness!"