Afternoon RoundsWhile working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I often take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
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Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a
great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard.
Immediately there was an 80-year-old man in the water who
rescued her.
The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The
captain was grateful as well as astonished that the
white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. That
night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly
hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was
asked to say a few words.
He said, "First of all, I'd like to know who pushed me."
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I'm in personnel with the government in Washington, D.C., reviewing
applications for federal employment. The standard form includes the
question, "Why did you leave your previous employment?" One applicant, a
former U.S. Congressman, responded, "The express wish of 116,000 voters."
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After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at
the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same
direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park
there?" look.
His responding gestures were very complicated. First he shook his head. Next
he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch
and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and
shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't
want the space.
"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known
that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for
my wife.'"
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"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought,
which they avoid." - Soren Kierkegaard
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Zero to 200
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation," Dallas, Texas.
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Mother's Wedding Dress
A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding." The bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony." "But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's such a waste not to use it." "Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."
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Did You Ever Wonder?
- If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? - Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? - If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? - If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? - When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Or do you get change? - Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker? - Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. - Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist? - Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? - Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? - Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? - If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn'tit follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off. Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shakingDo you drink a lot?Not really - I spill most of it! Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodwormHow boring for you! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridgeWhat's come over you?Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach. Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an electric eelThat's shocking! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a pythonYou can't get round me just like that you know!