In the Pet Store 2
My brother adopted a snake named Slinky, whose most disagreeable
trait was eating live mice. Once I was pressed into going to the pet
store to buy Slinky's dinner. The worst part of this wasn't choosing
the juiciest-looking creatures or turning down the clerk who wanted
to sell me vitamins to ensure their longevity. The hardest part was
carrying the poor things out in a box bearing the words "Thank you
for giving me a home."
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"Guard Dog"
My boyfriend, Tim, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force Academy. One day, a guard asked, "Mind if our new guard dog practices sniffing your truck?
Tim obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched onto a scent and jumped into the truck bed sniffing furiously.
Tim became nervous. There were no drugs or weapons. What could the dog be after? A few minutes later, the guard approached Tim.
"Sorry," he said sheepishly, "our dog ate your lunch."
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CleanQuote
"Everyone who got where they are .. had to begin where they were."
- Richard L Evans
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"The "Forwarder's" 12 Step Program"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Sometimes friends have to tell you things you might not like to hear, but need to. If you are one of those people who like to forward every e-mail you get, please repeat the following ...
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an e-mail!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail! (If you do, you have a virus or trojan.)
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS!
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into forwarding at email by telling me if I don't I am not their friend or that I'm a bad person.
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will gain twenty pounds in the next three months! (No, not really! If you believe that last statement, go back and read this message again!)
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Once, I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138
mainframe at a local college. My position had been
reclassified so that it fell into a new area outside of the
Information Technology staff.
One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at
the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the
two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it
was currently processing.
I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling
the room. The computer is over there."
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Since I had been selling water beds for almost four years, I thought I had
heard every question imaginable. But then a customer asked me, "Can you
deliver it filled with water?"
Stunned, I replied, "Are you kidding? It would weigh over twelve hundred
pounds!"
After a short pause, she said, "Could you do it if I helped you carry it
in?"
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These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic
first line but least romantic second line:
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are
you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Dang, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
778/jky789u screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
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"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." -
Mario Andretti