In case you've never seen him, Steven Wright is a standup
comedian who delivers all his jokes as a series of
absolutely dead pan, no expression statements. So imagine
these statements being made in a quiet, almost monotone
delivery ...
(Ad he did for a local student radio station): Whenever I'm
in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and
when I'm out of town, they mail it to me...
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have
to go. You'll just be walking down the street,
and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above
me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady
across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a
pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the
vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown
and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count
how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the
beach... it ticks me off! I'll go over to a little baby and
say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in
your life!"
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID
that he just whipped out a quarter?
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it
will be up all night?
Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I
don't get it...
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no
place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left
it running... [slow glance upward]
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I
put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of
his money? ... He designed the little diagrams that tell
which way to put batteries in.
I bought a house on a one-way, dead-end road; I don't know
how I got there.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had
to buy them again.
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven
years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I collect rare photographs. I have two. One of Houdini
locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture
of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at
once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When
I'd call him I'd say C'mere Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go
like this... (FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He's a lot
smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores
me and keeps on typing.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it
wasn't doing what I was doing.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on
purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it
[moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly],
and says, "Here, you can go."
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got
dizzy...
I have a friend who's a billionaire. He invented Cliff
notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he
said, "Well first I.....I just....to make a long story
short..."
I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of
sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the
world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
I have a map of the United States .... it's original size
... it says one mile equals one mile.
I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all
over it.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who
live above me are furious!
I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an
evening in front of it in only eight minutes...
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on
and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ...
I like to reminisce with people I don't know ...
I like to skate on the other side of the ice ...
I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
I lost a button hole today.
I met her at Macy's. She was shopping. I was putting Slinkys
on the escalator.
I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one
out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little
pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran
around in circles.
I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went
back in time.
I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this
switch on the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime I
had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and
down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I got a
letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it out."
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now
it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got
cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It
was supposed to be 80 degrees today," and I said, "Oops."
++++++++++++++++++
Two men were finishing their work day and one said, "I hate to go home.
Every night I eat the same tasteless food, wash
the dishes, walk the dog, and then go to bed alone."
His co-worker asked, "Why don't you find a nice girl and get married?"
As the first man shut his briefcase he replied, "I am married."
++++++++++++++++++
My husband and I decided to take our two children, then ages seven and
three, to our favorite "adult" restaurant for the first time. The younger
child refused to stay in her seat and danced around our table. Her sister,
tears rolling down her face, laughed loudly at the three-year-old's antics
and pounded the table.
Beet-red with embarrassment, my husband warned them through clenched teeth,
"If you don't start behaving, you'll never eat out with us again!"
The man at the next table leaned over to his wife. "Look dear," he said.
"Quality time."
++++++++++++++++++
Q. What do you call 50,000 geeks playing Monopoly?
A. Microsoft.