I was sitting in the foyer of a bank when a young man walked
by, and then stopped for a moment on his way out. I noticed
that one of the latches on his overstuffed briefcase was
unfastened, putting strain on the remaining latch.
"You're going to lose the contents of your briefcase," I
warned him.
Just then the case burst open. He stared at me with something
akin to fear in his eyes as he gasped, "How on earth did you
do that?"
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While on leave, my Marine buddy and I met two nursing
students from
up awhile, the conversation turned to what we did in the
service. When we told them we were in the infantry, the
girls seemed very impressed, giving us big smiles as they
told us how sweet that was.
Since infantry and sweet are seldom used in the same sen-
tence, I was a little confused. Until, that is, one of the
girls said, "We admire any man who works with infants."
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Terminology
Important Legal Terminology
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.
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Meals on Wheels
Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on.
The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.
A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth.
The earth was no better for them than it was the cat.
They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.
One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful.
The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.
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20,000 Cockroaches
Customer: Do you have and cockroaches?
Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.
Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.
Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?
Customer: I’m moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.
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Movie Computers Ain't My Computer
- Word processors never display a cursor.
- You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
- All monitors display inch-high letters.
- High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
- Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
- Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
- Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress")
- All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
- Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
- All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.
- People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
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Strange Facts
"If you thank God for all the joys He has given you,
you won't have any time left to complain.""
~ Master Eckhart
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Sorry for the Delay
Shar was on a Sun Country flight which was delayed at the gate after everyone had boarded.
The flight attendant said over the intercom, "We're sorry for the
delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is
broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We should be finished and
on our way shortly."
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A judge in
constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.
He said it would be ridiculous for the state to ban gay marriage before it
stops people from marrying their kinfolk.
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The autumn I was eight months pregnant with our first child, we moved into a
new community. Soon after our arrival, a lady came to the door one day
collecting for charity as well as looking for more canvassers. I told her to
ask me again next year. A year later the woman returned, but again I was
eight months pregnant. With a chuckle, she promised to try another time.
Somehow I missed her the following autumn, and she came instead in February,
canvassing for another charity and hoping to get more volunteers. She looked
at my bulging form in disbelief and exclaimed, "Every time I come here,
you're pregnant!'
"I know," I agreed, laughing. "Please don't come again."
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Bear Hunt
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
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Cross Examination
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.