Things To Say When Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
" ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
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Remember Me?One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us."Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You were my third grade teacher."
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Upturn GirlHave you had a demonstration lately?Trying for the 'Best Cervix' award...
A blonde walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the “upturn”.“I think you mean the 'intern', don't you?” asked the nurse on duty.“Yes,” said the blonde. “I want to have a 'contamination.' ”“You mean 'examination,' ” the nurse corrected her.“Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway.”“I'm sure you mean the maternity ward.”To which the blonde replied, “Upturn, intern, contamination, examination, fraternity, maternity... what's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant.”
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Little Vernie's Grace-Full ExitUnder trying circumstances Little Vernie says grace...
Little Vernie had been very naughty at the dinner table, and he was sent away from the 'big table' where his parents were eating. Little Vernie sat at his 'little table', miffed and pouting.After his father said grace, in the silence that ensued, he said his prayer: “I thank thee, Lord, that thou has prepared a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.”
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Do Not Feed The AnimalsWhen it IS OK to feed the animals...
The San Diego Zoo zookeeper spotted a Chinese visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit.“Why are you doing that?” asked the keeper.“The sign says it's okay,” replied the visitor.“No, it doesn't.”“Yes, it does. It says 'Do not feed. $10 fine.' ”
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Sick PoemWhat to do with your cold...'Feed a Cold' or 'Starve a Fever'?
Mary had a little cold,But wouldn’t stay at home,And everywhere that Mary went,The cold was sure to roam.It wandered into Sally’s eyesAnd filled them full of tears;It jumped from there to Henry’s nose,And thence to Jimmy’s ears;It painted Anna’s throat bright red,And swelled poor Jenny’s head;Dora had a fever,And a cough put Jack to bed.The moral of this little taleIs very quickly said –Mary could have saved a lot of painWith just one day in bed!
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"In a recent speech, Fidel Castro said the United States can-
not successfully compete with Cuba. If you want to hear the
speech, it's available in Havana on eight-track tape."
-Conan O'Brien
***
"At a recent speech to hundreds of university professors,
Bill Gates said it's puzzling why more kids don't want to
become computer programmers. Gee, I don't know, you think
maybe it's because at some point they'd actually like to
have a girlfriend." --Jay Leno
***
"Al Gore's daughter got married last weekend. Al Gore's no
fun at wedding receptions. He keeps pointing out how fast
the ice sculpture is melting." -Dave Letterman
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A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around
frowning.
Finally the pro asks her what she wants. "I can't find any
green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the
catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and deter-
mines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the
pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you
want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to
find in the sand traps!"
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While on leave, my Marine buddy and I met two nursing
students from Southern California. After chatting them up
awhile, the conversation turned to what we did in the
service. When we told them we were in the infantry, the
girls seemed very impressed, giving us big smiles as they
told us how sweet that was.
Since infantry and sweet are seldom used in the same
sentence, I was a little confused. Until, that is, one of
the girls said, "We admire any man who works with infants."
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John had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now
thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his
life.
Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this
awful? With every pitch and roll, John wondered how he was
going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.
One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry,
young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness."
"You've just taken away my last hope for relief," John said.
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I bet you $1,000
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass." The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender grins at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?" The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 apiece that I could come in here, spray beer all over the bar, and have you smile about it."
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Bumpers
Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2 minutes. I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"
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The Rocking Horse
A mother, visiting a department store, took her son to the toy department. Spying a gigantic rocking horse the boy climbed up on it and rocked back and forth for almost an hour. "Come on, Son," the mother pleaded. "I have to get home to get father's dinner." The little lad refused to budge, and all her efforts were unavailing. The department manager also tried to coax the little fellow without meeting with any success. Eventually, in desperation they called the store's psychiatrist. Gently he walked over and whispered a few words in the boy's ear, and immediately the lad jumped off and ran to his mother's side. "How did you do it?" the mother asked incredibly. "What did you say to him?" The psychiatrist hesitated for a moment, then said, "All I said was, `If you don't jump off that rocking horse at once, son, I'll knock the stuffing out of you!'"
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Funny News Headlines
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board March Planned For Next August Blind Bishop Appointed To See Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al. Diaper Market Bottoms Out