Jars and Bottles
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
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Gift to Dad
A lumberjack had raised his only son and had managed to
finance the young man's college education by the only way he
knew how -- cutting down trees, by hand.
The young man had helped his father cut down some of those
trees. He knew how hard his father had to work to put him
through college.
When the son started college, he promised himself that the
first thing he would do was to buy his father a present that
would make the old man's life easier. The son saved and
scrimped and finally had enough money to purchase the finest
chainsaw in the world.
On a school vacation, the son asked his dad how many trees
could he cut down in one day. The father, a large husky man,
thought and said on a good day he was able to bring down 20
trees. The son gave his father the brand-new chainsaw and
said from now on he would be able to triple the amount and
work only half as hard.
The old man was very pleased and said he had the best son in
the world. The young man left for school the next morning
and wasn't able to return until the next school break, three
months later.
When he arrived, he immediately noticed that his dad
appeared run down. He asked if his father was feeling all
right. The old man replied that cutting trees was getting
harder and harder and now with the new chainsaw he was
working longer hours but not cutting as many trees as
before.
The son knew there was something wrong and thought perhaps
the saw he purchased wasn't as good as advertised. He asked
to check it out. Upon examining it, he checked the oiler and
it was full. He checked the gas and it too was full. He
yanked on the cord and immediately it roared to life.
His father grabbed him by the shirt and hollered, "WHAT'S
THAT NOISE!?!?"
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"I am wearing one of the sweaters from "The Cosby Show."
Bill Cosby and his wife Camille are auctioning them off
for their charity. This is a piece of television history.
When I wear it, though, I have a strong craving for a
Jell-O Pudding Pop." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"It's hot out! It's so hot out that I stopped at Ben and
Jerry's for a scoop of ice cream and the guy at the counter
asked if I wanted that in a cup, cone, or in my pants."
--Dave Letterman
***
"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that
one can be designated driver." --Jay Leno
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[I know this is supposed to be humorous...but some of these
tips make a lot of sense to me.]
Helpful Tips to Make Life Simple
* Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't
know.
* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car
phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to
your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and
mounting the curb.
* Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers
turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked
illegally.
* No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and
remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.
The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom
carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a
contrasting polish should be selected).
* If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.
* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The
following morning you can create the effects of hangover by
drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging
your head repeatedly on the wall.
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One day my young daughter and I were listening to an old tune
by Simon and Garfunkel. When the song finished, she asked me,
"Well, did he?"
"Did he what?"
"Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?" she asked.
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Sentimental Golfer
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
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Bad Shape
A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped for breath and his eyes
bulged. The doctors didn't give him long to live. He decided to live
it up. Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went on a
shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive haberdashery
in the city. He pointed out a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen.
The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen."
The man said, "I know my size. I want them in a fourteen."
The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn you...if
you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and your eyes will bulge."
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Parked Cars in the Snow
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:
"Will the students who are parked on
so that we may begin plowing?"
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve
hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class?"
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”Certificate Hunt”
To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called he church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate.
We lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know the clergy well. When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn't remember.
After a brief silence, she said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the name of the baby's father."
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"Sorting Letters"
Myrddin had gotten a part time job at the Post Office and the supervisor there had been warned that he was somewhat of a dullard, but the supervisor took a liking to him and agreed to let Myrddin help him. If nothing else, he would be an extra set of hands.
The supervisor gives Myrddin the job of sorting, and much to everyone's surprise, Myrddin separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur.
Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Myrddin at the end of the day. "I just want you to know," he said, "that we're all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."
"Thank you," said Myrddin, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do better?"
Myrddin replied, "Tomorrow I am going to read the addresses."
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"Eternity"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A number of years ago my wife and I were living in
Some friends came from
This couple had twin boys about the age of 5 and as we passed the cemetery one of the boys said,
"Look at all those birth stones."
- Freddy Boen
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Running Fast
A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.
The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”
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Bad News and Worse News
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
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Lost paper
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”